Love Letter

Dear madam

It is my sad duty to inform you that you’re a miserable, incompetent sour-faced witch. How you have ended up seeming to manage two music venues is quite baffling as you have no relevant skills - except perhaps knowing where they keep the calendar.

If you were capable of managing a venue then the bands would get told basic details like what time the show starts. If you had any familiarity with working musicians you would know how to communicate with them on stage, and roughly how large their repertoire is (no we haven’t got another 3 hours of material memorised and rehearsed you stupid cow). If you had even the slightest clue about live sound engineering you would understand why your crappy club speaker system is no good as a vocal pa for a rock band, and why we were looking for the zone mixer. If you were at all suitable as a manager in a public facing profession and weren’t a horrible horrible person you might be able to open your mouth without insulting somebody.

Let me take this opportunity to suggest some activities that might like to try:
        smiling,
        eating salad,
        being polite,
        taking responsibility for your actions (rather than blaming the hard-working musicians)
        sex,
        buying proper sound equipment.

Warmest regards,

Richard "you spoiled my weekend" B

Phrases

I wish that I had a funny two-paragraph story to tell about my weekend, but nothing particularly funny or interesting happened. Two phrases have made me laugh recently, one of my friends was asked if he wanted anything to eat and he said "no, my body is a temple - unless you've got any biscuits". The other, less politically correct, is "wetter than Whitney Houston's last joint".

Richard "I'm now planning adventures so that I've got something to blog about" B

Church

They say that the devil has got all the best tunes. It might be true, but I'm pretty sure God has got the best musicians. I spent all day on Saturday helping to organise a concert in St. Andrews church and the quality of the musicianship was mindblowing. I accidentally confused the place with a rock venue, and failed to curb my swearing and dirty jokes. One of my friends had to have a quiet word with me about it after I'd used the 'c' word within spitting distance of the altar.

There was a slightly humiliating turn, moments before the show, when the pianist asked me to turn pages for him, and I had to admit to him that I couldn't read.

The last song of the evening was very impressive. They played the end of it as an anti-climax getting slower and quieter until there was just nothing left. I was impressed and I whispered to my friend "That was pretty good wasn't it?" She had been so moved that she was crying a little bit.

Richard "understatement" B

TV Series

In 2013 I have been very taken with "Breaking Bad". For Christmas I was given an equally wonderful tv series on dvd. It's almost as compelling and even more off-beat. It's set in a faded variety theatre and ballroom, the two main storylines are about the nepotism and corruption of trying to keep the theatre in business, and a tempestuous borderline-abusive on-off relationship between the general manager and one of the chorus girls. There are also rivalries between the resident artists and musicians. There are loads of fantastic musical turns, and touring acts that visit the theatre. It can be quite confusing because some of the plot is shown through the eyes of the paying audience while some is shot backstage and some is shot from the stage.

It's sensational, inspirational, celebrational. It's called The Muppet Show!

Richard "single yet again" B

Super Hero

In the run up to Christmas my mum received a Christmas card from a very boring sounding super-hero.

In the summer my mum gave me the task to "go into the garden and look for a tortoise". I had no expectation of finding one,  I half-heartedly looked in the flowers and under the bushes and duly didn't find a tortoise. A couple of hours later my mum found the tortoise, she also explained that one of the neighbours keeps a tortoise which had escaped. The neighbour was so pleased to have it back that she bought flowers for my mum.

In the run up to Christmas my mum got a card from The Tortoise Lady. I  assume that she's a super-heroine who has a massive horny carapace and fights crime at a slow ambling walk. Her one weakness is probably her predilection for cucumber.

Richard "we'll finish the service with the prayer that Jesus-Tortoise" B

Texting

On Saturday night I was in St Andrews church listening to a choir recital. I was also texting frantically like a teenage girl. Two of my bandmates were in the choir and our old drummer was texting me about an unrelated matter. One of my texts finished "... I'm in a church listening to J---- and S---- in their choir. It's good! I came last year and it was pretty average." I'm normally good at spotting unintentional innuendo, but missed it on this occasion. I was reduced to a hopeless giggling mess by two texts which read "At least you came" and "there's nothing worse than not finishing off".

Richard "he offered me some unpaid work as a drum-tech" B