Pitch Meeting

 A few weeks ago I told you about a fictional black knight driving a Toyota Yaris with half a dozen long decking boards on the roof rack, but sadly I didn't know anything more about him.

A couple of text messages revealed (inspired) a lot of information.

My Brother texted me the two words "Black Knight" with no context. I didn't know if he was talking about the Deep Purple song, the cocktail, or my fictional character. A few hours later a friend texted me to tell me that her phone had combined two diary events and she'd got the reminder "Peony and Rat Trap".

Peony and Rat Trap are clearly a puppet double act on children's TV. Like Zig and Zag for the 2020s. I'm sure that they'll introduce episodes a long-running cartoon series. Like Roland Rat introduced Transformers every week, or Sarah Green with Defenders of the Earth, or Philip Schofield and Gordon the Gopher with Cities of Gold. I don't see any children's TV, but I imagine that the "just innocent men" dog introduces a cartoon series too. 

So Peony and Rat Trap are going to introduce the cartoon series "Black Knight". We know it's about a black knight who drives a Toyota Yaris with half a dozen decking boards on the roof rack. We also know the theme tune "Black Knight" by Deep Purple and we know it'll finish on the line "Black Knight is a long way from home". I expect that it'll be an anthology series with different locations and characters each week, tied together by the Black Knight on his long journey home. In 22 minutes plus commercials they'll speedrun the hero's journey with a new character each week. I imagine that the Yaris and the planks will be recurring plot devices. Either building temporary structures, bridges, and diving boards, or using them to joust non-threatening foes (puncture a bouncy castle, ring a bell loudly, frighten bats out of a tunnel etc.)

Moreover we know that Black Knight has a signature drink. On a kids cartoon it's unlikely to be a cocktail made with Irish stout and over-proof Bermuda rum. It would probably be blackcurrant juice, or depend on the sponsorship deal "Ribena".

As it's a cartoon aimed at children I see no need for an explanation of why he's wearing a suit of armour or why he's a long way from home.

Richard "The Littlest Hobo" B

Burden of Dreams

 I've been climbing as a hobby for nearly three years. Low altitude indoor free-soloing (or bouldering as it's actually called) I just did my hardest climb recently and it involved an obscure technique.

There are certain things that we believe exist, but that we never actually see with our own eyes: the moon landings, kingfishers, doggers.

There's a climbing technique called Figure Four and it's so obscure that you never see it used. It's an intermediate technique that really strong climbers never need. Our lord and saviour Magnus Midtbo explained that once you can do a one armed pull up you never need to use it again. It's used when there's nothing to put your feet on, when you're hanging on one hand, and when you need to reach upward with your other hand. You hook your left knee over your right elbow (or vice versa) and you can use your core and leg muscles to get a little bit of extra height. A strong climber would "campus" to the next hold but I haven't got the strength to support my weight on one hand with a bent elbow.

I've been working on one particular climb for ages after I was told "it's pretty soft for a red". I later found out that the person who told me that is a professional swimmer, spends loads of time lifting weights, and can campus the first move. I could only solve it by using the Figure Four which I've never used before, and which has probably never been used before at my climbing wall.

Here I am doing it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUxo2IVS_5E

Richard "heel hook" B

Paint the Fence Paint the Fence

 I had a bewildering evening yesterday.

I had taken the day off work in the hopes of painting the outside of my friend's house. It was raining in the morning so instead I went shopping and had planned to buy myself a luxurious lunch. My friend was seemingly studying synoptic charts, rainfall radar and meteorological apps. He messaged me midmorning to tell me that it would be dry in the afternoon and that we started painting at noon.

That timing meant that I didn't get any lunch. The ladder is heavy, the sun was hot and we worked at a fast pace. By the time we had painted the front and back of his house I was tired and hungry and I was given a Tom Collins (double gin, lemon, syrup soda) and sat in the sun. The rest of the evening was confusing. I think I had a bit of sunstroke, low blood sugar, and I was quite drunk.

Richard "sun hat" B

Not a Writer

 I very much like it when a story writes itself. I've played collaborative board games where a series of dice rolls and individual decisions turns into an engrossing story. I set myself a mission in Kerbal Space Program and a series of unfortunate events meant that the best I could do was to use the spacecraft I had with me to jury rig a lander and an orbital relay station. It was fascinating. Neil Gaiman talked about writing Stardust: he said that he already had the idea for the village, but when he saw a shooting star over the desert and realised that it was really just a hot lump of rock, that the story just wrote itself.

I recently came up with a fictional character reflexively.

I borrowed a long ladder and I took it home on the roof rack of my (very little) Fiat Panda. One of my friends said it looked like I was going jousting. Without thinking I said that a black knight in a Toyota Yaris with half a dozen decking boards on the roof had challenged me. I've been thinking about the fictional black knight a lot over the last few days and I'd really like to know more about him.

Richard "Emergent Narrative" B

Noga Arm

 I recently came into some money, so I bought a present for my lathe. It's a professional quality articulated arm to hold a dial indicator. It's quite wonderful in that it has a magnetic base that you can turn on and off, and all the articulations are tightened up with a single knob.

It's such a pleasing piece of equipment that I didn't want to leave it in the cabinet under the lathe. Its magnet has now been attached to the bottom of a cake tin, and it holds pride of place in my kitchen as a recipe holder.

I managed to cut down the clothes peg to fit the 1/4" dovetail part of the holder, and I'm unduly proud of that as the clamp only has about 12 thou of movement between fully open and fully closed.

Richard "The Wrong Tool For the Job" B

My Perfect Colleague

♫I've got a cousin called Kevin. He's sure to go to heaven♫

Actually I've got a colleague who recently let me stay at his house.

Both him and his wife are the sort of garish over-achievers whom it's best not to compare oneself to. They were generous, gracious hosts, despite the fact that I had invited myself. I turned up wet and dirty without any clean clothes. They laundered a couple of garments for me and didn't bat an eye at me joining them for dinner wearing gardening trousers.

They feed and rehabilitate local wildlife, and only use the most humane methods to control the pheasants (they get chased away personally)

♫He's got a fur lined sheepskin jacket. My ma said they cost a packet♫

He's actually got a beautiful cottage with a large garden. It's being tastefully extended and refurbished. They seemingly have no end of energy, enthusiasm, taste and skill.

♫Oh, my perfect cousin. What I like to do he doesn't♫

They barely drink, but despite that they keep an excellent cellar. They're early to bed and early to rise and they'll have a sit-down cooked breakfast on a week day.

♫He's got a degree in economics. Maths, physics and bionics♫

Actually both him and his wife were senior staff at a university, and he enjoyed teaching. They both have pilot's licences and she's a yoga instructor. They're excellent cooks, brewers, bakers, raconteurs and who knows what else.

♫He always beat me at Subbuteo cause he flicked to kick and I didn't know♫

He has a huge collection of board games and hosts regular board game evening with his friends.

♫His mother bought him a synthesiser. Got the Human League into advise her♫

Actually he makes interesting electronic projects, metalwork projects, software projects, and home improvements with his apparently copious time and energy.

In the same way that I hope Tim Peake turns out to be a child molester, I feel better about myself imagining that they keep some shameful terrifying secret.

Richard "Outdated Musical Reference" B