Chain Letter

I have got involved in the weirdest and slowest chain letter that I've ever heard of.

Domestic cats are either very generous or very stupid. A nursing mother will feed and clean any kittens that she finds in her nest, it doesn't matter if they are her's or not. Honey bees are just as compliant, if you can pick up a whole swarm, including the queen, and stuff it into a skep or hive, then as long as the front door is about the right size, then the colony happily decides that that is its new address.

Red mason bees are even easier to transplant. They emerge from cocoons in spring, and they decide, understandably, that wherever they emerged is where they should live. As such you can buy them by mail order and set up a colony wherever you like. Better yet, they look for holes to lay eggs in, and they are easily convinced that rolled up paper tubes are exactly the right place.

A friend of mine multiplied her initial stock of bees about tenfold in two years, and has sent me some of this year's cocoons. If they do well, then in a year or two I will be looking for friends to take a load of bee-seeds off my hands.

Richard "exponential growth" B

Clarkson Gate

It appears that the UK press have "wet their pants" about Jeremy Clarkson telling an employee of the BBC to fuck off. Not only is this not news it totally misses the real issue of hotel service quality. Apparently Jeremy Clarkson had a hissy fit when he found out the hotel kitchen was closed and he would not be served a steak as promised. To me this is completely acceptable; If members of the entertainment industry were fired every time they had a temper tantrum because one of their trivial whims was not fulfilled, there would be no prima-donnas or rock stars and Hollywood would have been out of business 100 years ago. "Sorry Mr. Richards your 10 grams of cocaine, bath tub full of champagne and hookers isn't available because all the roadies have gone home".

What needs to be addressed is why a simple dinner request could not be delivered, seriously do British hotels not have room service? Even the crappiest hotel chains in most parts of the world can rustle up something to eat 24 hours a day. It almost sounds like a reenactment of the classic Fawlty Towers episode where an American tourist is shocked to find that nothing he expect to find in any normal hotel is available. He can't get orange juice, a Waldorf salad or as sounds to be pretty common in rural hotels in the UK, a cooked meal after 9pm. But the difference between real life and 1970's TV is that in Fawlty Towers the guest gets his dinner after having a melt down and threatening the hotel manager. Jeremy Clarkson is obviously a relic of a different era where people drove jags and got what they wanted if they shouted loud enough. The only thing that hasn't changed is how shit hotels are in England.
 
Doug "What do you expect to see from a Torquay window? Sydney Opera House? Hanging gardens of Babylon? Herds of wilderbeast?" B.

Band of Brothers

You'd have thought that the Scott brothers would have done more to help their little brother with his acting work. Ridley directed loads of really important films including Alien, Blade Runner, and Gladiator. Tony made Top Gun (which everybody loves and I can't stand), True Romance (Which I love and most people can't stand), Crimson Tide and several others. Terry was in most of the Carry On films, Terry and June, and was the voice of Penfold in Dangermouse.

You'd think they'd have been able to get their youngest brother Barry a better on screen debut than advertising kitchen cleaner and that they'd have coached him on his acting so that he didn't just bellow his own name into the camera.

Richard "what do you mean they're not all brothers?" B

And I’ve been drinking Italian coffee since before it was cool

Last week the internet pissed its knickers about the colours in a terrible photograph of a blue and black bodycon[1] dress. The photo is so washed out that only about one third of people can tell what colour it's supposed to be. Randall Munroe has illustrated the white balance illusion beautifully.

At risk of sounding all hipster, I have been worrying about white balance illusions for well over thirty years. When I was six or seven we had a family holiday to the Isle of Wight. The bathroom where we were staying had very shiny black tiles. When you looked at one you could see the colours of your reflection perfectly, but you could also see that the tile was black. Nobody on the holiday could adequately explain how.

If you're not worried enough about the shaky nature of colour perception, let me ask you this: How do you know that mirrors are silver? Go and look at one, it's the colour of your face and whatever you're standing in front of.

[1] I assumed that "Bodycon" was a maker's name, but it's actually a type of dress. I would make sense if it stood for "Body Contour" but it's apparently "Body Confidence". Given that it means tight and clingy "Body Conscious" is probably more accurate.

Richard "I burned my mouth" B

Highway Code

Far far too often you will see someone on a roundabout indicating right while they leave the roundabout (to the left). Normally I will avoid them and make the wanker sign. This week I saw exactly the same behaviour, but it was one of the women I work with driving the car. I seethed gently for the rest of my commute and steeled myself to confront her about her terrible driving when we got to work.

I'm glad I spotted that when we got to work she was in her other car and wearing a different dress. It turns out that I'm cross with a complete stranger who's about at tall as one of the managers, has similar hair, and the same colour car. The bitch!

Richard "Paragraph 186" B

I should be an MP

As the candidate for the Traditional Pie Party, can you tell us what you stand for and against?

• I'm for pies that have a pasty case and a top crust. I’m against those things that masquerade as pies, but which are actually a shallow bowl of stew with a pastry hat.

Why should people vote for you?

• If the people send me to parliament, then I would work tirelessly to defend the interests of all my constituents, particularly those who want traditional pies with a pastry case and a top crust.

But isn't this a pointless single issue campaign?

• Not at all. The job of a member of parliament is to represent his constituents, and that is what I would do, no matter who they are or what they believe. Whether they prefer shortcrust or puff pasty, watercrust or ruff-puff. Be they vegetarian or meat eating, whether they love or loathe kidneys in a steak pie.

What is your stance on Europe?

• I believe that the Euro-zone as it currently exists cannot endure. It is a full currency union, but with different countries maintaining their own central banks, their own interest rate policies, and their own taxation schemes. I believe that the currency is doomed in the long term unless it is underpinned by the cohesive force of a comprehensive and sturdy, yet light, pastry case.

Do you see UKIP as a credible alternative vote?

• I know for a fact that Mr Farage is a man who likes his ale. I see no reason why that shouldn't extend to a steak and ale pie. With further negotiations, I think it is realistic to expect him to be in favour of a steak and ale pie with a crust and lid.

Where do you stand on the recent revelations about tax avoidance and tax evasion?

• These are two very separate matters. Tax evasion is simply criminality and needs to be dealt with in court. Tax avoidance is playing the system to your best advantage. The fact that tax avoidance schemes exists tells us nothing so much as the parlous state of our tax laws. I am a member of the tax payers alliance which campaigns for simpler and fairer taxes. I were elected I would order a root and branch review of the various tax rates and tax exemptions. The review would start with the issue closest to my constituents hearts: VAT on hot baked goods, aka "The Pasty Tax".

What would you do about the violent attacks by religious extremists?

• I think it is too easy to get caught up in discussions of ideology and motivation. The simple fact remains that murder is illegal, and the perpetrators must be brought to justice, removed from society, and kept between four delicious pasty walls, to stew in their own rich juices, until rehabilitation is possible.

Should there be limits to freedom of speech?

• This is contentious issue, but there are already limits to free speech, relating to, for example, incitement to riot, and promoting hatred. I would introduce further kerbs, so that restauraters could no longer legally describe a bowl of stew with a pastry crouton as a fucking "pie".

Richard "Screaming Lord" B