Monday 28 January 2013

That's What Your Mum Said

Sometimes I just can't keep my mouth shut. Particularly when there's a dirty joke to be made, or an innuendo to be pointed out. This frequently gets me in to trouble.

On a first date when I told the waitress that I hadn't enjoyed the lemon liqueur even though I'd clearly drunk it all and she said, "But you managed to force it down your throat?" I couldn't help myself but gesture to my date and say "I'll be doing that to her later".

In a technical meeting when I proposed a quick and dirty engineering work-around my boss said "It's absolutely filthy but I like it". I accidentally replied "That's word for word what your wife said to me." He stared at me until I apologised.

A conversation between a young admin girl and somebody who knew how to use the printer went "Which way does headed paper go in?" "Face down bottom first". To my shame I said to her "That's how your mum likes it". She was so upset that she couldn't speak, and I think I made her cry.

There's a woman that I work with and she doesn't seem to like smutty jokes (or me) very much. The very first time I talked to her it was about project management and prioritization. She asked me hypothetically what I'd like to look back on and see that I'd done when I was 65. I maintain that this is a good joke, I said "a long string of beautiful women". She wasn't impressed.

More recently, since she was promoted far above me, she said to me "I can't believe I invited you to my meeting" and I said "I can't believe I came" and then added "That's what she said!" She didn't laugh. I did, however, nearly got a standing ovation from the rest of the office.

One of my proudest moments was last week when I was waiting at the printer. The same woman came up and asked "Can you find my little thing down there?" In a mind boggling fit of self control I said NOTHING and politely handed her her printout.

Richard "I had no trouble finding your mum's little thing" B

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