Monday 16 February 2015

I should be an MP

As the candidate for the Traditional Pie Party, can you tell us what you stand for and against?

  • I'm for pies that have a pasty case and a top crust. I’m against those things that masquerade as pies, but which are actually a shallow bowl of stew with a pastry hat.

Why should people vote for you?

  • If the people send me to parliament, then I would work tirelessly to defend the interests of all my constituents, particularly those who want traditional pies with a pastry case and a top crust.

But isn't this a pointless single issue campaign?

  • Not at all. The job of a member of parliament is to represent his constituents, and that is what I would do, no matter who they are or what they believe. Whether they prefer shortcrust or puff pasty, watercrust or ruff-puff. Be they vegetarian or meat eating, whether they love or loathe kidneys in a steak pie.

What is your stance on Europe?

  • I believe that the Euro-zone as it currently exists cannot endure. It is a full currency union, but with different countries maintaining their own central banks, their own interest rate policies, and their own taxation schemes. I believe that the currency is doomed in the long term unless it is underpinned by the cohesive force of a comprehensive and sturdy, yet light, pastry case.

Do you see UKIP as a credible alternative vote?

  • I know for a fact that Mr Farage is a man who likes his ale. I see no reason why that shouldn't extend to a steak and ale pie. With further negotiations, I think it is realistic to expect him to be in favour of a steak and ale pie with a crust and lid.

Where do you stand on the recent revelations about tax avoidance and tax evasion?

  • These are two very separate matters. Tax evasion is simply criminality and needs to be dealt with in court. Tax avoidance is playing the system to your best advantage. The fact that tax avoidance schemes exists tells us nothing so much as the parlous state of our tax laws. I am a member of the tax payers alliance which campaigns for simpler and fairer taxes. I were elected I would order a root and branch review of the various tax rates and tax exemptions. The review would start with the issue closest to my constituents hearts: VAT on hot baked goods, aka "The Pasty Tax".

What would you do about the violent attacks by religious extremists?

  • I think it is too easy to get caught up in discussions of ideology and motivation. The simple fact remains that murder is illegal, and the perpetrators must be brought to justice, removed from society, and kept between four delicious pasty walls, to stew in their own rich juices, until rehabilitation is possible.

Should there be limits to freedom of speech?

  • This is contentious issue, but there are already limits to free speech, relating to, for example, incitement to riot, and promoting hatred. I would introduce further kerbs, so that restauraters could no longer legally describe a bowl of stew with a pastry crouton as a fucking "pie".

Richard "Screaming Lord" B

No comments:

Post a Comment