Scarface

This weekend I watched "Scarface" for the first time. I now see why the phrase "say hello to my little friend" pops up so frequently in popular culture, and have a much better understanding of a very dirty joke that an ex-girlfriend once made with it. My favourite scene was when Al Pacino was arguing with his wife Michelle Pfeiffer, by that point he's a crime lord, a murderer, a cocaine addict, a drunk, and he's been rude to his mother. His wife's main complaints seemed to be what he chose to watch on TV, and that he swore too much. Some arguments are seemingly universal.

Richard "Are Hannah and Tony Montanna brother and sister?" B

Formalities and procedures

I try to keep this lottery syndicate as informal and friendly as I can, however, I need to keep track of who paid what and when, and I need records of a standard that will hold up in court when we're arguing over hundreds of thousands of pounds. Ideally you should pay me in person, at my desk. I will sign your receipt while you watch, that is your legal record. Sometimes I'm not at my desk when you want make a payment, when that happens you can leave a payment with one of my colleagues, preferably Helen, and you must email me to tell me how much you left and when. If the timestamp on your email, and Helen's account match, then I'll happily accept that you made your payment before the draw.

Yes, someone could conceivably notice that their number has come up when they're not paid up, and then persuade Helen to presenting the payment as though it was made before the draw, and convince Rich I to turn back time on the email system while they sent me a notification email, but it's not a risk I'm prepared to guard against.

Richard "dictator" B

Can anybody lend me Fleetwood Mac's 'Tusk' on CD?

First they came for Rival Records, but I didn't speak out because they were a bit patronising in there.
Then they came for Our Price, but I didn't speak out because Virgin Megastore had just opened.
Then they came for the music section of WHSmiths, but I didn't speak out because the selection was terrible.
Then they came for the classical and jazz section in Virgin, but I didn't speak out because I didn't listen to either.
Then they came for MVC Music Club, but I didn't speak out because MVC was crap anyway.
Then they came for Purple Haze, but I didn't speak out because there was bound to be a good record shop when they rebuilt Drake Circus.
Then they came for Virgin Megastore, but I didn't speak out because I was still cross with them over that back-order fiasco.
Then they came for Woolworths, but I didn't speak out because Woolies music section was just for children.
Then they came for Zavi, but I didn't speak out because it was only Zavi.
Then they came for HMV on New George Sreet, but I didn't speak out because there was still an HMV in the new Drake Circus.
Then I came to buy a Fleetwood Mac album, and there was nobody left to sell it to me.
　
　
Richard "no chocolates, no flowers, no romantic meal" B

My "middle" name

Last week in my lottery email I signed myself as Richard "It was supposed to say 'The Kicks' above 'Puppet Show'" B. For those of you that didn't recognise the reference I was talking about a favourite scene in the film "This is Spinal Tap" - a mockumentory about Britain's loudest heavy metal band. When the band go to play a show at a fairground the puppet show gets higher billing than the band.

I went to "The Staddy" on Saturday night to hear the band and see what it was like as a venue as I'll be playing there this Saturday. On the main door there were 2 posters, one advertising my band, it said "The Kicks - retro indie and psychedelic rock". The other poster, above ours, said "Missing Cat - Charlie is a 13 year old black tom..."

Richard "Life imitating art imitating a documentary" B

2010 Lottery Emails Omnibus

Each week I send an email to members of the lottery syndicate. I sometimes include a joke or observation, and I usually assign myself a joke middle name. These are my names from 2010:

Mon 04/01/2010
Richard "2010" B

Mon 11/01/2010
Richard "broken combi-boiler" B

Mon 18/01/2010
Richard "Third date tonight" B

Mon 01/02/2010
Richard "rhinovirus" B

Mon 15/02/2010
Richard "Weekend Rock Star" B

Mon 22/02/2010
Richard "guiro" B

Mon 01/03/2010
Richard "stewards' enquiry" B

Mon 15/03/2010
A week when I didn't ejoy being swabbed at the sexual health clinic (purely precautinary, all clear)
Richard 'Richie "cotton-bud" B' B

Mon 22/03/2010
For the sake of easy copying and pasting from the new lottery records system, this email is now in html format. If you have problems reading it, or have deep philosophical objections to html emails, then please let me know, preferably with a procedure for extracting column data from excel into plain text.
Richard '51.9mpg' B

Mon 29/03/2010
Richard 'least said soonest mended' B

Tue 06/04/2010
Richard 'single' B

Mon 12/04/2010
Richard 'luthier' B

Mon 19/04/2010
Richard 'the hungover house-painter' B

Mon 19/04/2010
Richard "couldn’t organize a lottery syndicate in an IT company" B

Mon 26/04/2010
Richard 'man-and-van' B

Tue 27/04/2010 09:34
At the beginning of this week I sent the lottery email with the wrong balances. If you compare the balances I sent earlier this week with last week's you will see they are the same (with the exception of Rob and Dee who both made payments last week.) As always it is the paper record which really counts, the email is just to help you keep up to date, or in the case of the last 2 weeks, to confuse and mislead you.
On the plus side, I now know how to turn off "compose emails using word" in outlook.
Richard "not very good with excel" B

Tue 04/05/2010
Richard 'never drinking again (until at least Wednesday)' B

Mon 10/05/2010
Richard 'No We're not gonne f---ing do "Stonehenge" tomorrow' B

Mon 17/05/2010
Richard 'Good with children' B

Tue 01/06/2010
Richard 'New Dining Table' B

Mon 07/06/2010
Richard 'moth balls' B

Mon 14/06/2010
The week I repaired a cymbal using the headstock of a pillar drill
Richard 'home-made lathe' B

Mon 21/06/2010
Richard 're-ablement care nurse' B

Mon 28/06/2010
The week that I saw my friend Sarah's debut in the philharmonic choir
Richard 'Saturday night out at the Catholic Cathedral' B

Mon 12/07/2010
Richard "my boiler's bust" B

Wed 14/07/2010
Richard "off to buy the tickets" B

Mon 19/07/2010
After I first played Fleetwood Mac's 'The Chain' correctly
Richard "Lindsey Buckingham" B

Mon 02/08/2010
Richard "I never knew there were so many options when you buy a tambourine" B

Tue 10/08/2010
Richard "Rain Soaked Holiday" B

Tue 31/08/2010
Richard "Don't close the front door after you've taken the handle to bits" B

Mon 06/09/2010
Richard "tour bus to Honiton" B

Mon 13/09/2010
After coming second in a quiz which had been specifically designed so that our team couldn't win.
Richard "pub quiz runner up" B

Mon 20/09/2010
Richard "missed the last bus home" B

Mon 27/09/2010
Richard "my supposedly luxurious Sunday night bath ended up with red wine and fag ash in it" B

Mon 04/10/2010
Richard "stud................. partition wall" B

Mon 18/10/2010
Richard "'paint the cabinets in a small fitted kitchen' could have been one of the labours of Hercules" B

Mon 15/11/2010
Richard "wedding cake for breakfast" B

Mon 22/11/2010
Richard "'Imagine' isn't even a Beatles song*" B
* Yes, I admit it, I'm watching "The X Factor" this year.

Mon 06/12/2010
Richard "No heating, serious fire hazard. Pick one" B
If anybody's interested in my middle name this week. All the downstairs sockets in my house are on the same circuit breaker, and it includes the boiler, the gas stove, and the kitchen extractor fan. The only way I can coax the boiler in to life at the moment is to have the mains connections for the stove and the cooker hood disconnected from their fuses and switches. Basically my house can be dangerous and warm, or cold and safe. Which would you choose?

Wed 15/12/2010
Richard "Spirit of Christmas yet to come" B

12 year dry spell

In the late 90s an article by Chris Morris (I think) mentioned the only 2 acceptable names for tribute bands: "The Pretend Pretenders" and "Sham Sham 69". Within a few weeks my friends and I had also come up with "The Mock Mock Turtles", and since then we haven't been able to think of another one. In fact I cross-referenced a thesaurus with a Guinness book of British Hit Singles and convinced myself that there wasn't another one. This weekend, to my amazement and deligh, my friend Keith came up with "The Vanessa Paradis Parody". I urge you not to spend the next ten or fifteen years trying to think of names of bands that contain synonyms for counterfeit.

OK very well done. "The Charlatan Charlatans"

Richard "Never drinking again" B