Date Report 7

[Email. Richard Bredacted -> San Fransisco Judy. 13th January 2010]
I can't believe that you would casually ask me "What's new" this week. I had the weirdest weekend, and I took a woman out on what is probably the worst date in history:

I've been casually seeing a woman called Redacted for about 3 months. We were getting on very well, going out for meals and drinks, staying at one another's house occasionally. We stayed in together on New Year's Eve. On Saturday I took Redacted to the cinema, and then for some food. We went to the bar under the restaurant for a drink. In walked my ex-girlfriend Ex (The one I brought to visit you, the one that I always think was most important). Ex came over and started chatting to both of us. There was obviously some of the old chemistry left, and it turns out that Ex is living in Plymouth and is single. Redacted and I left the bar and walked to another place. Redacted was a bit shaken at how well Ex and I had been getting on (she showed us her new heart operation scars) and I was completely freaked out that she was back in Plymouth. I haven't had anything to do with her in about 5 years, and hadn't really thought about her in most of that time.

At the second bar I finished my relationship with Redacted so that I could go back to the first bar and ask Ex on a date. Of course by the time I got back there she had already left. Thankfully we had exchanged telephone numbers, and she returned my call the next day. To say that Ex was shocked at what I had done is an understatement, but she agreed to go out for a meal with me on Monday, and we're going out again on Friday. Friday's date was her choice, and so I'm going to be taking her "heavy drinking". That used to be my favourite, but I'm completely out of practice now.


[Email. Richard Bredacted -> The Penny Pincher. 12th January 2010]
Pretty successful, all things considered.

We got on very well, chatting easily, laughing and joking, lots of reminiscing, tiny bit of flirting (I said it was the best first date ever because I was out with a beautiful woman, and even if it went nowhere, then I've still already seen her naked).

What was nice to hear is that when she looks back she always thinks that our relationship was the important one, like I do.

The problem is that she was completely cut up by what happened at the end, and she's never really got her confidence back, she blames me for the last several years of her life being pretty crappy. Moreover, since her latest operation she thinks that she looks so funny that she hasn't let a man anywhere near her.

We agreed that if anything is going to happen it's got to happen very slowly and cautiously, but we also agreed (and shook hands) to not go out with anybody else while we were finding out. I'm taking her out heavy drinking on Friday night, and we're going home separately to our own seperate houses.

I was compelled make a completely off colour joke: We had disgusting lemon liqueur after the meal. The waitress asked if we liked it and I said "not really". The waitress looked down into my empty glass and said "but you managed to force it down your throat?". Before I realized what I was doing I said to the waitress "Yes, and I'll be doing that to her later". Thankfully the waitress was so professional that she pretended not to hear me, and Ex thought it was funny.

[Email. Richard Bredacted -> San Fransisco Judy. 14th January 2010]
Redacted is pretty upset and was crying on Sunday, but she's not completely in pieces about it and she does appreciate my openness and honesty. It wasn't very nice for her, but when we broke up she had heard every word that I had spoken to Ex in the last 5 years and I had done absolutely nothing behind her back. When I told her that I was finishing it so that I could go back and ask Ex on the date, I didn't even know what Ex was going to say. I'm still on speaking terms with her, and we hope to remain friends. We're still going to a concert together on Sunday.

The date with Ex was mixed. We got on easily and were laughing and joking and flirting. However she was completely cut up by what happened when we finished. She blames me for destroying her self-confidence, and pretty much ruining the last 5 years. She's also had another heart operation, and she thinks that the scar looks so funny that she hasn't let a man near her since. We agreed that if anything is going to happen between us it'll be done slowly and cautiously, and that we're not going to leap into bed together. She agreed that we need to find out if it's salvageable, and we shook hands on the idea that we wouldn't go out with anybody else until we had made that decision. I'm taking her out heavy drinking on a second date on Friday. I'm already nervous about it.

[Email. Richard Bredacted -> San Fransisco Judy. 25th January 2010]
Everything is pretty much as you guessed. On the night of the heavy-drinking date we were back at my house by 10.00 and spend most of the weekend in bed. Much more excitingly we've had another couple of less physical dates, and some long talks, and we're going to try to make a go of our relationship all over again. As of Saturday we are nominally boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm really excited and blissfully infatuated.

2009 lottery emails omnibus

Each week I send an email to members of the lottery syndicate. I sometimes include a joke or observation, and I usually assign myself a joke middle name. These are my names from 2009:

Mon 05/01/2009
Richard "Get back to work" B

Mon 12/01/2009
Richard "My turn to win next" B

Mon 19/01/2009
A week when I had a slight cough
Richard "pleurisy" B

Mon 26/01/2009
Richard "monotony" B

Mon 02/02/2009
Richard "frosty the snowman" B

Mon 09/02/2009
Richard "still waiting" B

Mon 16/02/2009
Richard "February 14th - invariably a disappointment" B

Mon 23/02/2009
Richard "We have a winner" B

Mon 02/03/2009
The week after Date Report 4 was written
Richard "crash-and-burn" B

Mon 09/03/2009
One of the Barbie Doll's milestone birthdays
Richard "15.3 years younger than barbie" B

Mon 16/03/2009
Richard "Show me the cakes" B

Tue 17/03/2009
Richard "Life's a Lottery" B

Mon 23/03/2009
Richard "We'll win next week" B

Mon 30/03/2009
A week when one of our members should have won, but wasn't paid up
Richard "you know the rules" B

Mon 06/04/2009
The week I was invited to join a Grand National sweepstake
Richard "500 to 1" B

Tue 14/04/2009
Richard "Post Bank-Holiday Stress Disorder" B

Mon 20/04/2009
Richard "Come and see me play on Friday" B

Mon 27/04/2009
Richard "only just watched 'The Godfather' for the first time" B

Tue 05/05/2009
After having watched 'The Godfather II'
Richard "3 hours 20 is too long for a feature film" B

Tue 12/05/2009
Richard "long weekend" B

Mon 18/05/2009
After the first time I was ever invited to an after-show party. It was after a show that I had played.
Richard "after-show party" B

Tue 26/05/2009
Richard "long weekend" B

Mon 01/06/2009
Richard "gig on friday" B

Mon 08/06/2009
Richard "weekend rock-star" B

Mon 15/06/2009
Richard "back to work" B

Mon 22/06/2009
Richard "The raffle organiser wouldn't give me her phone number, but I did win a cuddly polar bear" B

Mon 29/06/2009
The week when I was first introduced to fantastic mock hair-metal band "Steel Panther"
Richard "Death To All But Metal" B

Mon 06/07/2009
Richard "I've got a steam powered bath toy" B

Mon 13/07/2009
Richard "Should have invited new members last week" B

Mon 20/07/2009
Richard "post viral fatigue" B

Wed 22/07/2009
Richard "lunchtime consitutional" B

Mon 27/07/2009
Richard "day off" B

Mon 10/08/2009
Richard "Ladbrokes" B

Mon 17/08/2009
Richard "Up to date with my hoovering, washing-up, and ironing" B

Mon 24/08/2009
A week when I wasn't too happy with the band's bass player
Richard "Either learn the songs OR print out the music BEFORE the rehearsal" B

Wed 16/09/2009
A week when the girl singer out of the band took charge of my text flirting with the girl from the North.
Richard "playing Christian to a lesbian Cyrano de Bergerac" B

28/09/2009
After a week in Corfu at an all inclusive destination resort
Richard "a week behind" B

Mon 28/09/2009
After a week in Corfu at an all inclusive destination resort
Richard "Nobody leaves the resort" B

Mon 05/10/2009
Richard "I slow-danced with the woman of my dreams at a wedding. Sadly she was the bride and I wasn't the groom" B

Mon 12/10/2009
Richard "Making a meal for a single woman tonight" B

Mon 19/10/2009
The week when ex rock star Troy Tate tought me to play a wierd heavy blues version of "Come Together"
Richard "He got walrus gumboot" B

Tue 27/10/2009
Richard "Got to buy a birthday present for a woman I hardly know" B

Mon 09/11/2009
Richard "I'm in the money" B

Tue 10/11/2009
Richard "Grommet" B

Mon 16/11/2009
Richard "xkcd.com/355" B

Mon 23/11/2009
Richard "MacGyver" B **
** To understand the relevance of my middle name this week you have to know that I effected a temporary but workable repair to the return spring of a drummer's broken bass drum pedal using the elastic of a pair of talismanic knickers which had previously been thrown at him while he played.

Mon 30/11/2009
I took my new girlfriend to  a show I played at the Cherry Tree, and there was an unseasonable downpoor on the way home.
Richard "sex, floods, and rock'n'roll" B

Tue 08/12/2009
I ordered a new Citroen Nemo combo van
Richard "captain nemo-multispace" B

Tue 08/12/2009
Richard "Lottery" B

Tue 15/12/2009
Richard "decorations up" B

Tue 29/12/2009
Richard "gin and rosehip syrup" B

Lost or Stolen

Hello,

Inconveniently I have lost, cancelled, and found my bank and credit card (in that order). What with the postal strike and needing new pin numbers it's going to be quite a time before I've got access to my own money.

If nobody objects I'm going to borrow £50 out of the lottery syndicate. That will leave enough money to buy this week's tickets, and to pay the bonus ball prize if somebody wins it, but most of the advanced payments will be living in my pocket.

Does anybody have any objections or require any additional guarantees?

Richard "Bernie Madoff" B

Grapes

Te celebrate taking some money out of the lottery syndicate this week, I've bought (4kg of) grapes. They're in the kitchen. Do help yourselves.

Richard "5 a day" B

Stupidest Thing I've Said in the Last Couple of Weeks

Sorry? You're what? You're from "The Nerth"? Oh... You mean "The North".

Richard "I left a message on the answering machine, but she never called me back" B

Date Report 5

I've actually had to do some work at work today so I haven't written a
date report, however I'll give you this little summary

Pros

• Pretty
• Talkative
• "Ramones" Handbag
• Prepared to take the piss
• Encyclopaedic knowledge of popular music
• Comedy nerthern accent
• Local
• Age appropriate

Cons

• 3 children by 2 different fathers
• Acrimoniously estranged ex-husband
• Never driven a car
• Overweight

General interest

• Moved from Hull to Exeter to escape vociferous jahova's witness upbringing
• Manic depressive brother taking cocktail of strong psycho-active medication
• Unemployed
• Owns exactly 3 pairs of shoes
• Once went on a date with a millionare "life coach" and wanted to hit him.