English is no piece of cake

Anybody learning the English language has my sympathy. Let’s think about the word “piece” which means a portion or part. Except “A piece of cake” might mean either a section of a cake, or trivial, facile. “A piece of piss” only means trivial, never a quantity of urine. “A piece of me” seems to means an argument or fight with me, while “a piece of my mind” means a tirade or scalding. “A piece of furniture” doesn’t mean a portion or part, but a complete item of furniture. “A piece of the action” means a share of the profit and associated risk. “A piece of shit” has nothing to do with faeces and everything to do with inferior quality. The situation is no simpler when we talk about a “piece” by itself, it means a gun, except when it means a sculpture or a painting.

Knitting vs Rock and Roll

Throughout 2005 the celebrity magazines and lifestyle supplements have been telling us that knitting is the new rock and roll. What nobody seems to have noticed is that rock and roll has slowly become the new knitting. Today  rock is as safe and acceptable a hobby as knitting, it's done mostly at home by small polite groups of friends. There are lessons and clubs, mothers drop children at after-school rock drumming lessons, the youth go to welcoming and well organized practice-rooms while bands covering the Rolling Stones or The Who play fetes and cruise ships.

Once upon a time rock and roll was dangerous and exciting, aggressive, antisocial, and hated. When people first heard Hendrix's guitar they though it was unlistenable. Once when The Doors  performed "The End" there was a riot and the concert had to be closed down by police. Rock music (or heavy metal, or punk, or grunge - pick a decade) used to be a rallying point for the outcasts, the dispossessed, the angry and neglected youth. When a real band was playing the police were on standby, parents were worried.

Forget knitting, it looks more like inner-city gun crime is the new rock and roll.

quiz - with answers

1) Which balding, sport jacket wearing local celebrity is it usual to see either drinking heavily, Singing Karaoke supprisingly well, or walking towards some pub or club, but virtually nowhere else?
Bonus point: What is his real name?

The Birdman, his real name is John Allen.

It's very difficult to explain the Birdman to someone who hasn't experienced him, but he's a very popular harmless local nutter. Whenever he walks into a pub, which he does frequently, a ripple of conversation will fill the whole place with one person telling the next that the birdman has just come in. Then there will be a brief period during which people that haven't seen the birdman before will receive a rough explanation of who he is, and the more generous or drunk revellers will clamour to buy him a drink. There is litterally nowhere in Plymouth with a bar that he doesn't frequent, he even arrived at one of my friend's house-warming parties. You never see him doing mundane, non-alcohol related things like shopping or going to the launderette. He works in the prepared veg industry, and his mother was a piano teacher. He says that he got his excellent musical ear from her side of the family. Nobody but nobody knows for sure why he's called the birdman, but he once told me "it might be cos o' how I dances".

2) What unit of time is equivalent to 20.16 min?

One millifortnight.

There is a geek system of using the most cumbersome and outdated units of measurement called firkin-furlong-fortnight where the fundamantal units of mass, length, and time are the mass of a firkin full of water, the furlong, and the fortnight. In the VMS operating system there a numerous tuning parameters which are defined in microfortnights or millifortnights.

3) Holders of which position have been lost to, amongst other things, gardening accident, spontaneous combustion, and choking on vomit?

'Spinal Tap' drummers.

I suppose you just have to be a fan of the band to know this.

4) What is a large, primitive, power-hungry active electrical device, similar in function to a FET but constructed out of glass, metal, and vacuum. Characterized by high cost, low density, low reliability, high-temperature operation, and high power dissipation?

Valve.

This definition is taken straight out of the 'new hackers dictionary'

5) If I bought seats U580 through to U585 and thought I had bought 5 seats, what type of counting error have I made?

Fencepost error.

FENCEPOST ERROR n. The discrete equivalent of a boundary condition. Often exhibited in programs by iterative loops. From the following problem: "If you build a fence 100 feet long with posts ten feet apart, how many posts do you need?" (Either 9 or 11 is a better answer than the obvious 10.)
I have to say that nobody got this right, either my education was non-standard or all of yours was deficient.

Best wrong answer: "Schoolboy type"

6) Where would you buy a half yarder?
Bonus point: What do you receive if you consume the whole thing?

Cap'n Jaspers. You get a badge.

Cap'n Jaspers is a long established fast food stand on the Barbican, one of their delicacies is an 18" long hotdog served in a french stick and called a half yarder. If you eat the whole thing you get a stylish badge (I typed 'badger' there first time) bearing the legend "Half Yard Club". In case any of you want to see the badge, I'm wearing one on my coat.

Special mention to Rob Mccarthy who owns another Half Yard Club badge.

Most Frightening wrong answer: Anne Summers

7) What does dl do in vi?

Delete one character to the right.

vi is a unix text editor. It is interesting in that it takes about 6 months of practice and tuition before a new user can perform even simple edits to a document. One of the reasons that it is so hard to use is that every letter on the keyboard has a special meaning (rather than just inserting that letter into the document) 'd' means 'delete' and 'l' means 'right' honestly.

8) What happens at GUPA-P?

They fit tyres.

GUPA-P is a tyre shop in Coxide. I include it here because it's a favourite janner haunt, and it sounds like it might be a technical term.

9) Why would it be funny to refer to a business which specialises in removing laquer and anodizing from metalwork as "Diamond Lil's"?

Because they do stripping at both places.

"Diamond Lil's" was a filthy little strip joint on Plymouth's salubrious Union Street.
Special Mention to Rob Mccarthy, who has been there, and probably seen the birdman in there.

10) What is the second rule of robot club?

The second rule of Robot club is "No Smoking".

In Spaced series two there is a parody of 'Fight Club' The dialog goes something like this.
Host: The first rule of robot club is you do not talk about robot club, the second rule of robot club is you do not talk about... No sorry I've made a mistake. The second rule of robot club is no smoking.
Tim: Why aren't we allowed to smoke?
Mike: Shh, we're not supposed to talk about it.





First place: Rob Mccarthy - 9 - Janner Geek Second Palce: Dee - 6 Third place: Kris, JohnW, Morven - 4.
Rob and Dee, come and get your prizes when you're ready.

quiz

This is a quiz which I wrote for the staff at work. It is designed so that you have to be a Plymouthian and a geek to score highly. I should have just given the prize to Rob McCarthy straight off.

1) Which balding, sport jacket wearing local celebrity is it usual to see either drinking heavily, Singing Karaoke supprisingly well, or walking towards some pub or club, but virtually nowhere else?
Bonus point: What is his real name?

2) What unit of time is equivalent to 20.16 min?

3) Holders of which position have been lost to, amongst other things, gardening accident, spontaneous combustion, and choking on vomit?

4) What is a large, primitive, power-hungry active electrical device, similar in function to a FET but constructed out of glass, metal, and vacuum. Characterized by high cost, low density, low reliability, high-temperature operation, and high power dissipation?

5) If I bought seats U580 through to U585 and thought I had bought 5 seats, what type of counting error have I made?

6) Where would you buy a half yarder?
Bonus point: What do you receive if you consume the whole thing?

7) What does dl do in vi?

8) What happens at GUPA-P?

9) Why would it be funny to refer to a business which specialises in removing laquer and anodizing from metalwork as "Diamond Lil's"?

10) What is the second rule of robot club?

Date Report 2

At approximately 2:30 pm Monday September 9 Richard Redacted recieved a telephone call at his desk in the Redacted offices within the ITTC building of Tamar Science Park. The call was originated by Redacted, the senior receptionist at the ITTC, but she introduced herself as "The Science Park liason officer for getting people together". During a brief and awkward telehpone conversation Mr Redacted was reminded of, and asked his opinion of a recently departed junior receptionist called Redacted. He was lead to believe that Redacted would appreciate a call from him, and would be ameneable to the idea of a personal rendezvous. Mr Redacted agreed to call her, and was supplied with the number of Redacted's mobile telephone [Note1].

[Note 1
A Nokia 3310 fitted with an optional cover which displayed the Cadbury's Flake logo and livery.]

Mr Redacted worked for the rest of the afternoon on the development of a software product called "CONTROLSITE". He left work at approximately 5:30pm and arrived at his own residence [Note2] at approximately 5:55. He then spent approximately 1 hour devising a way to carry his guitar[note3] on the motorcycle[note4] that he had borrowed for his commuting.

[Note 2Redacted
Note 3
A Rickenbacker 360v64 six-string electric.
Note 4
A partially worn out Kawasaki ZZR250, registration number Redacted.]

At approximately 7:00pm Mr Redacted rang the mobile telephone number which he had been given earlier in the day, ascertained that he was speaking with Redacted, and introduced himself. Redacted was immediately embarrased, and appologetic for his having been encouraged to call her. Despite her embarassement and some retisance she agreed to meet with Mr Redacted for a drink and a chat. Upon a discussion of their various schedules it became apparent that the most convenient time for them to meet would be that very evening. Mr Redacted then wrote down a brief set of directions which lead from the foot of the Saltash bridge[Note5] to Redacted's family abode[Note6].

[Note 5
Cornish side, god help me.
Note 6
Just off Wearde Road, St Stevens.]

Mr Redacted informed Redacted that he would change his clothes and make himself a snack, and expected to arrive at approximately 8:00pm. In fact Mr Redacted ate a small quantity of cheese, and 2 thick slices of chorizo. He ironed and donned a pair of trousers and a shirt and then refeitted the acoustic matting and rear seats to his car[Note7]. He made a cursory attempt to clean dust and rusty water stains from the rubber footwell mats with a rag moistned with WD40. He refitted the mats, filled the car with petrol, and departed towards Saltash.

[Note 7
A 1982 Renault 4 GTL. Registration number A394FPA]

In the direction towards Cornwall the Saltash bridge required no toll payment, or passport control stops. Mr Redacted followed the directions that he had written down and pulled up outside Redacted's house at approximately 7:55pm. Upon ringing the doorbell he heard Redacted's voice inform some other occupants of the house that she was going out, that she would see them later, and not to bite anybody[Note8].

[Note 8
The latter coment at least was probably directed toward the parrot which also resides at that address.]

Redacted was dressed in a tight fitting light coloured top, and low waisted, very tight fitting jeans which laced up where a fly would traditionally be fitted. She is relatively short[Note9] with light, nearly blond hair. She is generally slim apart from archbishops[Note10][Note11].

[Note 9
She had within the last few months encountered a Great Dane that was taller than she was.
Note 10
Official Catholic Church Official Breast Size Scale

• Vergers        Smallest
• Deacons
• ArchDeacons
• Bishops
• ArchBishops
• Cardinals
• Popes          Largest

Note 11
Taking into accound the overall size of the woman they could concievably be guaged as Cardinals.]

Mr Redacted drove himself and Redacted to "The Holland Inn" following her directions. During the time they spent there they consumed

• 2 bottles of Smirnoff Ice
• 2 pints of Bass shandy
• a soda-water with lime
• and an orange juice.

They discussed at some length the chain of events which had lead them to be there, along with various items from popular culture and anecdotes from their lives.

It transpired that Mr Redacted had found Redacted personable and very attractive throughout her employment at Tamar Science Park, but was under the impression that Redacted was considerably less interested in him. In fact Redacted was deeply taken with Mr Redacted, but felt unable to inform him. She had confided in her colleagues and her mother of her desire towards him, and had often hoped that she would find the right opportunity, and the nerve to say something to him. Mr Redacted had seriously considered before eventually rejecting the idea of inviting Redacted out for a meal to celebrate her birthday[note12] several weeks previously. It became clear that Redacted would have been almost certain to have accepted such an invitation.

[Note 12
23rd]

The first reference to popular culture of the evening was Redacted's question to Mr Redacted of whether he has seen, and if he had enjoyed the film "Moulin Rouge". He answered that he had seen it, and that he didn't like it in the least, and in fact he considered that Baz Luhrman[note13] owed him two hours of his life back. Redacted was obviously non-plussed by his views, saying that she judged all people on how they liked that particular film, and that Mr Redacted might as well leave now. Happily her views of Mr Redacted seemed to improve slightly as the evening progressed.

[Note 13
The director of Moulin Rouge.]

During the time they spent at "The Holland Inn" Redacted was often embarrassed, and awkward in conversation. At one stage during a discussion of "The Graduate"[note14] Mr Redacted suggested that Redacted might like to view the film version at his house, in Response Redacted spilled a good proportion of her drink down the front of her top before sheepishly accepting the invitation.

[Note 14
Mr Redacted had lent Redacted the novel "The Graduate" during her employment at Tamar science Park.]

The pair left the bar after 3 drinks and took a short, and essentially unrewarding drive through the unlit Cornish countryside. They then stopped the car outside Wearde School[note15][note16] where they admired the view of the Tamar Valley[note17] and discussed directions to Mr Redacted's place of residence.

[Note 15
Redacted Completed her education at Wearde Comprehensive School
Note 16
Wearde is pronounced as "weird"
Note 17
From the Cornish side god help me.]

It was agreed that Redacted would attend Mr Redacted's house the next evening to watch "The Graduate" and to continue the process of aquainting themselves with one another.

During the evening, physical contact was limited to a dig in the ribs (delivered by Mr Redacted) to punctuate a particularly weak pun, and a brief peck (on the lips) as Mr Redacted helped Redacted from the car outside her house.

Date Report 1

1. Introduction
2. Background and Preface
3. Report
4. Conclusions
5. References and Bibliography

 1. Introduction
The purpose of this report is to address any issues arising out of a meal which Richard Redacted attended with Redacted on the evening of 14th February 2001. Its intended audience is close friends of mine, and any interested parties.

2. Background and Preface

14th February is also known as "St Valentine's Day" and is a tradition occasion for romantic gestures, and anonymous gift giving. In most cases it would seem reasonable to assume that two single people eating out together were involved in some kind of romantic engagement. This report will address the nature of the evening in question. It will also be important to determine whether a similar "date" may be forthcoming in the near future, and whether the individuals involved "got any".

 
3. Report
Redacted was picked up from her home at approximately 6 minutes past 8pm on the evening of the 14th February. She was driven by Richard Redacted in his Renault 4 GTL to a car parking place in Plymouth's Barbican area. They then proceeded on foot to the Thai Palace on the corner of Vauxhall street and Notte Street. Mr Redacted introduced himself to the waiting staff of the resturaunt as Mr Alias. A reservation had been made in that name for a table for two. The couple were shown to the table where they sat, austensibly as Mr Alias and his guest.

During the course of the evening the Mr Redacted and Miss Redacted ordered and consumed:

• 1 Bottle of Singha Thailand beer
• 2 classes of red wine
• 1 Pad Thai
• 1 Chicken fried rice with vegetables
• 1 Roast duck curry
• 1 Chicken Green curry.
• 1 pot jasmine tea
• 1 fresh pineapple and ice-cream sweet.
• along with a small quantity of medicated snuff which Mr Redacted brought with him.

Mr Redacted paid for the meal in cash, Miss Redacted and Mr Redacted walked back to the Renault 4 GTL and Mr Redacted drove Miss Redacted back to her place of residance before driving himself home. Mr Redacted did not leave the car on Miss Redacted's alightment, and only made a cursory check that she had regained entrance to her house while maneauvering the car.

Miss Redacted was invited to attend the meal by Mr Redacted earlier that day shortly after Mr Alias had emailed the entire staff of the company offering to allow any of them to take over the table booking. Apparently Mr Alias had made the booking some weeks earlier and then discovered that it was surplus to requirements late on the 13th February.

It is Mr Redacted's claim that he had no romantic or sexual intent towards Miss Redacted on the occasion of the meal, although it is well known that he has prieviosly considered her as "very sexy" and has at times harboured lustful thoughts regarding her.

Miss Redacted herself is in the initial stages of a relationship with a man, first name "Owen" living somewhere in the environs of bath. Mr Redacted is in frequent email and telephone communication with a professional woman, Miss Redacted, living in California, whom he spent a week staying with in early December of 2000. He variously describes this American as "my girlfriend" "the American woman" "the lovely Judy" amongst others. It appears that they are engaged in a tentative very long distance romance.

During the meal, and the car journeys to and from it indicators of romance or sexual tension between Mr Redacted and Miss Redacted were negligeable to non-existant:

• Compliments:   Cursory, politeness.
• Flirting:   Trace or Nil.
• Physical contact: Nil
• Eye contact:  Normal.

The main bulk of the conversation of the evening involved the management and working conditions at Their company, and the mental and emotional states of various members of the permanent staff there. The was no effort made be either party to arrange a similar evening out, or to attend one another's house in the near future.

4. Conclusions
Unlikely though it sounds, it seems that the most likely explanation of this evening is that two individuals who have worked together for over a year decided to share a meal out rather than stay at home alone on Valentine's day. There is no evidence of any romantic or sexual overtones to the evening.

5. References and Bibliography

email message from Alias to the entire staff off Redacted:

***

In case anyone has forgotten about Valentines or needs to exonerate themselves in any way (no names mentioned...) I have made a booking for two at the Thai Palace in the Barbican that I won't be needing to use anymore (I've got other plans)

  

It's for 8:30 tonight.

  

Otherwise I'll cancel it at lunchtime.

  

Regards

  

Alias

***

 
email conversation between Mr Redacted and Miss Redacted

***

 -----Original Message-----

 From: Redacted

 Sent: 14 February 2001 17:18

 To: Richard Redacted

 Subject: RE: What do you say then?

  

  

 Oh go on then - you've twisted my arm!

  

> -----Original Message-----

> From: Richard Redacted

> Sent: 14 February 2001 17:16

> To: Redacted

> Subject: What do you say then?

>

>

> C'mon you know you want to. Morvs said I should take over the booking.

>

> Here's you with no valentine, mine is 6500 miles away if I

> have on at all. I'm offering to pick you up and buy you a

> nice meal, nothing else.

>

> Hmmm?

***

Snippet of email message from Mr Redacted to Miss Redacted in San Fransisco

***

I trust that this is alright with you: I'm taking a young lady out for a meal this evening. There's nothing in it romantically speaking. Mr Alias (one of my colleages) had a booking for tonight at the Thai palace which is one of my favourite resteraunts. It transpired that he is no longer going, I suspect that there's a good story behind it but I don't know the details. Anyway I said I'd take over the booking rather than waste it, and what with today being today I couldn't really bring myself to take on of my male friends. Redacted whom I also work with has used me as a fake-boyfriend in the past when she's had to attend somehting as a couple, and now it's her turn to repay the favour.

***