Breakfast

 My favorite breakfast is poached eggs on toast, very simple but when done well delicious. The problem I have is I'm terrible at making it and it's disappointing so I rarely do it. When I was in a boujie coffee house in London, as a treat and knowing it would be done expertly, I ordered poached eggs on toast and it arrived looking almost perfect. I rhetorically asked "how do they do that?" making a mental comparison with my crappy efforts and my dining companions raised an eyebrow like I was an idiot and said, together, "cling film". As it turns out I am apparently the last person in the developed world to not know that everyone makes poached eggs using cling film (saran wrap). Obviously I don't need to explain it because everyone (except me) knows how to do it. And yes it works brilliantly well and you don't need to wash the pan up either. Which leads us to a very important breakfast question: Why don't the French have two eggs for breakfast? Because, in France one egg is an oeuf.

Doug "Google it" B

Funnel

 This weekend I bodged round a problem on my sports car. The control for the cabin heater had got very stiff. Lubrication and cleaning fixed this quite easily, but the forces I'd used to turn the heat on and off had bent and dislodged part of the heater. Frankly I'm amazed that it doesn't leak.

 I leave this piece of information here just so that humanity doesn't forget it. I got this tip from a Haynes manual for a Kawasaki Z series motorbike (not the Z1000, I think that was in a different manual) and I haven't seen it anywhere else. The manual was probably from the late 80s or early 90s:

You can make a funnel out of Plasticine and use it to run oil through a Bowden cable if you hang it upright. After and hour or two the whole cable will be lubricated. If you use light oil and leave it overnight you can get a surprising amount of dirt and rust out of the cable. Don't do this is the cable has one of those plastic sleeves between the inner and the outer. I don't think Plasticine exists any more. Blutack doesn't work because it dissolves in the oil. I used automotive detailing clay.

Richard "Or buy a new cable" B

Sewing Box

 The gas meter at my house is more than 20 years old and the battery in it is flat so it needs to be replaced. It's not a smart meter and there isn't room in its box to put a smart meter in.

 I got these instructions from my energy supplier.

“To help our metering team understand more about your situation, please reply to this email with a video of your meter. The video needs to show you pressing a button on the meter. Once you’ve pressed it, take a step back so the video shows the full setup of your meter and the area around it.”

There aren't any buttons on my meter, but this was easily solved with a quick trip to my sewing box.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/1WTf9kxuuFM

Richard "Malicious Compliance" B

Dick Measuring Contest

 There are lots of phrases in the English language, but we often don't give them much thought, we just learn them, like words, when we are children. For example I wouldn't know whether someone "toes a line" or "tows a line". I was struck recently by the absurdity of a "dick measuring contest". It's a MEASURING contest, note, not a SIZE contest. How would you win? By measuring the most? By measuring them most accurately? It can't be about the speed with which you measure them otherwise it would be a "dick measuring race" so I'm going to assume that it's about style, panache and technical ability, and that there's a panel of expert judges, like at diving or Olympic figure skating.

Richard "Program Component's Score" B

Holiday

I've just come back from a cruise. It was great and slightly surreal. I mainly spent my time watching the world and the calendar go by. I've eaten too much. I've had a hangover in just about every major north sea port. I've been in a force 8 gale at sea and it was smooth enough to shower, shave and attend a beer festival. We ended up with force 10 winds (only 4m seas) on the beam and the rolling motion was quite violent - the decks were closed, the swimming pools were drained and the deckchairs were lashed down.

Richard "floating all-inclusive hotel" B

Flam

Back in the day I used to play guitar in a function band. Most of us stayed in the band for the whole time, we changed bass players once, but drummers were more slippery. We lost them to: Was too good for us and couldn’t really be bothered. Was rubbish and had to be replaced. Moved to Exeter with Yoko. Finished his degree and moved away. Emigrated in response to a pandemic.

 Richard “choked on vomit, bizarre gardening accident, exploded on stage” B