Thursday, 15 December 2022

Scottish Tablet Recipe

 Hxxxxx, please accept this long and complicated email as a kind of Christmas gift. I almost sent you some homemade tablet, but I thought the recipe and the science behind it was a better gift. I'll finish with the recipe, but between now and then will be enough science and sugar-craft theory to be able to follow it. The reason I'm so knowledgeable on this is that I've spent about 18 months (not full time) trying to perfect vegan tablet for your sister - I have failed.

"Give a woman a pound of tablet and she'll eat it for a day. Give her the recipe and she'll never bother to make it until she needs to demonstrate her Scottish heritage."

Good tablet, as I'm sure you know should break like chalk but melt in the mouth. In fact it dissolves in the mouth very readily, but close enough. Tablet is a mixture of sucrose, glucose, fructose and water (also milk fats, solids, lactose, lactic acid etc.) Close to its boiling point it is a smooth viscous liquid and all the sucrose is dissolved. As it cools towards room temperature there is a point at which the liquid is supersaturated with sucrose and it will precipitate out as crystals. If the cooling is gradual and the mixture is agitated the crystals will be very small and will give it the correct chalky or sandy mouthfeel. If it weren't for the milk and the crystal size it's basically the same stuff that they put on top of a Belgian bun.

All of sugarcraft is based on sucrose. In its anhydrous form it's a hard white crystal, but it is highly soluble in water. A molecule of sucrose is actually a molecule of fructose holding hands with a molecule of glucose at an Oxygen atom. With water and heat we can perform hydrolysis to split the two simple sugars apart and give them each an O-H pair to hold hands with. Golden syrup is a sucrose solution that has been partly hydrolysed so that it contains all three sugars. Golden syrup is called "semi invert" because a fully hydrolysed solution would invert the direction that the solution would refract light. Golden syrup has only gone partway.

When you're buying sucrose for sugarcraft it's called "sugar", maybe table sugar, granulated sugar, white sugar, etc. It doesn't matter if it's from cane, beets, or whatever, fairtrade, cruelty free, organic, as long as it's white - it's all sucrose. All the brown sugars have some amount of molasses either added to them, or not refined out. They aren't what you're looking for.

The amount of sucrose that you can dissolve in water is HIGHLY temperature dependent. It's quite easy to make a sugar solution, boil off a little bit of water, cool it slightly, find that the solution is now supersaturated and all the sucrose precipitates out in big ugly crystals. Moreover to get to hydrolysis we have to tiptoe through this supersaturated regime. If we were making caramel or boiled sweets we would either add citric acid to act as a buffer, or start with some extra fructose or glucose in the solution. Fructose and glucose are both HIGHLY soluble in water so once hydrolysis has started the danger of precipitation has passed. If we were making caramel the crystallisation can occur and ruin a batch with just a tiny change in temperature, the presence of any seed crystal, or just looking at it a bit funny. In tablet this isn't ever really a problem.

As we continue to boil our solution water is driven off as steam and water is combined with the sugars through hydrolysis. The amount of water decreases and the proportion of the simple sugars increases. We can measure this proportion in an oddly simple way - just measure the boiling point. It turns out that the boiling point of the mixture is directly controlled by the proportions of the various components. If you turn the heat under the solution down until it's JUST boiling you can measure the boiling point with a sugar thermometer. Various temperatures have names for example 235F is called "Soft Ball Stage" It is named after the sport what happens if you drip the solution which boils at that temperature into cold water.

Strong sugar solutions are viscous and surprisingly insulative so it's hard to measure the boiling point accurately - it's very easy to have the base of the pan much hotter than the boiling point, and it's also easy to measure a cold pocket of the liquid, or to let it come off the boil. The heat has to be low, the liquid has to be JUST boiling, it needs to be stirred, and the thermometer needs to be properly submerged. Then it's very accurate.

The ancients determined the proportions in the solution by dripping the liquid into cold water and observing its physical properties. Traditional Scottish grannies can do it incredibly accurately by observing the colour and viscosity of the liquid. You should buy a sugar thermometer.

Most tablet recipes start with condensed milk to save time and to make it easier to get to hydrolysis. As condensed milk is just boiled milk and sugar, and as the recipe already contains milk and sugar and boiling I have reverse engineered the original recipe that uses fundamental ingredients. If you could find nice fatty milk you could probably do away with the butter too.

Tablet (from fundamentals)
==========================
20oz sugar
20oz whole milk (1 UK pint, 1.25 US pints) (I think you might call whole milk “3.5%”)
1.5oz butter

Butter a cake tin or baking tray.

In a heavy pan dissolve the sugar and butter in the milk and bring it to the boil.

Boil without stirring until hydrolysis starts (about 30 mins)

Boil gently and stir constantly to the soft ball stage (about another 30 mins)

Take off the heat and stir constantly until the mixture will only just pour.

Pour and scrape the mixture into the cake tin and press it down. The mixture is VERY hot, don't burn yourself, don't set the kitchen on fire.

Cut the mixture into chunks in the tin after 15 mins

Cool for at least 2 hours.

Monday, 5 December 2022

Ruined Garden

 The only difference between a blackberry plant and a bramble is whether it's cultivated. A few years ago I let a couple brambles grow in my garden and trained them up some stakes thinking that I could control them and harvest their delicious fruit. I'm pretty sure that I have failed. I took an early crop of fruit off them this year, but I have just realised that I forgot to pick them a second time (despite bringing a load of apples, to cook them with, home from my late mother's garden just before we sold the house). The berries have all been dropped into my garden and there will now be thousands of seeds getting ready to spring up as brambles and take over my garden next year. I don't think I'll ever win control of the garden back from them.

Richard "Agent Orange" B

Wednesday, 30 November 2022

Drive to Wales

 Until this weekend I don't think I've mentioned this quirk about my brain to more than one living soul. It's something like an "eyeworm" and I'll read something that sets off a bit of a song in my head. There's an area of Plymouth called Mainstone and sometimes when I was going up the hill towards work I would see a sign that read "Mainstone Craft Fair". I couldn't help but sing to myself "Like a Mainstone Craft Fair" to the tune of Rhinestone Cowboy by Glen Campbell.

At the weekend I heard a segment on the radio with dozens of people suffering from a similar affliction. So even if I'm a weirdo, I'm not completely along.

The best was a man, who drives along the M50 who can't help but sing to himself:
"If you see me walking down the street, and I start to cry each time we meet, Ross-on-Wye"

Richard "Make believe that you don't see the tears, just let me grieve in private 'cause each time I see you I break down and cry… Ross-on-Wye" B

Tuesday, 22 November 2022

Vandals

 Instead of a funny story, I have a miserable and frightening story to relate. Early on Friday morning I was woken by a loud noise in the street. When I went out I found that my car had been vandalised. My boring car, thankfully, not my sports car. A kerbstone had been used to smash the windscreen and it had also scuffed and dented the bonnet.

One of my neighbours captured blurry footage of the incident with her video doorbell, and that gave me an exact timestamp. It showed two youths throwing something at my car and then running away. Another neighbour found footage from his driveway security camera and it shows the youths searching his driveway (presumably for something to throw) then walking on towards my house, then walking away (presumably still searching), then walking back towards my house with a heavy object and then finally running away. The youth who searched his driveway had his hood up and was wearing something over his face. It looks very much like it was a targeted attack.

I know what you're thinking, and I don't know. I can literally think of nothing* that I have done that it will be a reprisal for, or of any ongoing behaviour that someone would wish me to cease. I wish that there had been a note on the kerbstone explaining why they're so pissed off with me.

*Unless being rude to an estate agent or complaining to a woman who jumped the queue in Lidl deserves criminal damage as a reward.

Richard "Ring doorbell" B


Monday, 14 November 2022

Is He Being Serious?

 Back in the day one of my college friends sheepishly admitted that she had watched an embarrassingly large amount of "This is Spinal Tap" before realising that it was a joke. The continuity announcer on BBC2 had introduced it as "a groundbreaking rocumentary about one of Britain's loudest bands" and she assumed that she would learn about a band that was new to her.

My sister recently sent me a book that she thought I might be interested in. It looked like it was going to a parody of the new-age hippies. It was called "The Fifth Element" and it's about pyramids, numerology, music theory, crystals, philosophy, geometry and so forth – I assumed that the fifth element was going to be stupidity. It started off strong with an acknowledgements page including a Glastonbury book group and crop circle researchers and that had a spelling mistake and terrible layout. I started reading it and the jokes seemed few and far between and relied on quite a bit of mathematical knowledge. I was an embarrassingly long way in to the book before I realised that it probably wasn't a parody, but I still can’t be quite sure.

Richard "Poe's Law" B

Wednesday, 9 November 2022

Quiz - extra round

 Since the lockdowns have finished, so too have the zoom quizzes. There is one round of questions that I have been working on that I haven’t really had chance to play-test, let alone use. They might be too obscure or too cryptic, but I’ll present them here for your interest. Each answer is a short (but complete) sentence or statement, and it’s well known in pop culture (memes, films, tv etc.)

  1. What did your dog step on?
  2. How many lights are there?
  3. What are we going to need?
  4. In what manner are you never going to recover from this?
  5. Are these the droids I’m looking for?


Richard “quizmaster” B