Wednesday 18 October 2017


My trip to New Orleans has been characterised by mis-translations and sexually suggestive cocktails.

In the states "cricket jumper" is meaningless, it would suggest a piece of equipment for making an electrical connection between insects, in the UK it's white knitwear.

My niece, who has gone native over here, honestly thought that the last line from the chorus from the famous Credence Clearwater Revival song was "There's a bathroom on the right".

Don't ask "Where are the lavvies?". You're wasting your time.

"Central reservation" isn't understood and has to be translated as "median strip".

When my niece was growing up (in Scotland) and Old Fashioned meant a hand job. I think all over the UK a "posh wank" is where one masturbates while wearing a condom.

We had dinner in a very fancy restaurant that is famed for its cocktails. We started off with "French 75s" which is a deluxe version of the standard Champagne cocktail, then her boyfriend ordered an "Old Fashioned". They actually served their own signature "creole" version of the drink. Our waiter was almost mute, although you could pick out a few words amongst the croaking and gasping noises he made. We never managed to find out what makes a Posh Old Fashioned, but it was clear to my niece that it would have to involve giving someone a hand-job while he's wearing a condom.

A good bartender will use a muddler to mix and break down and fruits and herbs when he's making a cocktail, it's just a long booze-pestle. We were drinking in a fancy-ish bar and watched the bar tender make a mojito. He put fresh mint and lime into a tall glass and put his hand over the glass. He then made a hole between his thumb and first finger and made sweet tender love to it with a length of dowling. To watch this procedure was somewhere between hilarious, pornographic and unappetizing.

Richard "I might just have a beer" B

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