Monday 8 September 2014

8oz Americano and Leave Room for Some Half and Half

I'm in America for the second time in less than half a year. They speak a language deceptively similar to our own, and I foolishly thought I was starting to be able to make myself understood. After a great deal of tuition I can now buy a cup of white coffee. What's confusing is that you have to decide whether the place you're ordering it is a coffee shop. If it isn't (say you're in a cafe that sells breakfasts based on bacon, waffles and pankakes) then you can order "coffee". If you're in a place that sells mainly coffee, then that word becomes meaningless and you have to recite a nonsense mantra.

A couple of days ago I found myself in a worse dilemma than entering a valid tar command on the first try. I ordered a breakfast that consisted of bacon, egg, fried potatoes and toast. The waiter asked me how I wanted my eggs cooked. You are supposed to choose one of two dozed codewords which aren't listed or specified anywhere, and which mainly have non-obvious meanings. "Fried" isn't one of the accepted answers. Neither is "What form of words can I use to encourage you to leave my table and go and start making my breakfast?", "I'll let the chef decide", "surprise me", "I don't want eggs", or "baked into a motherfucking quiche".

Richard "fry them until the white is set, and then spoon hot fat over the yolk until the proteins in the membrane denature" B

1 comment:

  1. Try ordering a salad
    I have visions of John Cleese in Fawlty Towers saying "Right,I'll make the bloody thing myself"