Courteous Driver

 My dad used to talk about coming home from sailing trips "cold, wet, and frightened". The same happened to me after a short journey by motorcycle. I was riding on a 2 lane section of the Tavistock Road with a 40mph speed limit. The rain was so unusually heavy, the surface conditions so wet and slippery, and the visibility so poor that I was only doing about 30mph. A large, heavy car behind me (I think it was a VW Toerag) was impatient and pulled out into the outside lane and accelerated sharply. He hit a large patch of standing water that was 3 or 4 inched deep and sent up a huge plume of cold dirty spray. As our speeds weren't very different I was hit full-force with a powerful jet of water for a few seconds. I was blinded and deafened by it hitting my visor and helmet. I was instantly drenched and got cold-water-shock (it makes you gasp and flail). The force of the water made the bike very hard to control. I rolled off the throttle, but I didn't apply the brakes because I didn't know what was behind me, or whether I'd stay upright. Thankfully when my vision cleared I hadn't fallen off and I was going in roughly the right direction and still just about in my lane.

I can only think that if I had fallen off in those conditions the next car behind me would have squashed me under its wheels before it saw me.

Richard "super-cub" B

Johnson&Johnson Muffgone

 My favourite razor is an old fashioned safety razor that unscrews to let you fit a single blade. The blades are cheap and I probably have a lifetime's supply in the bathroom cabinet. It has quite a large gap before and after the cutting edge to it's quite easy to cut yourself with it, but with skill you can give yourself a very close shave. I can also shave with a cutthroat razor, and I find sharpening it fascinating, but it's too much palaver to be practical.

I went on a long weekend away and while I had packed my razor, shaving brush, and a stick of shaving soap I hadn't packed a razor blade. At the little Sainsbury's I found disposable razors, but they were quite expensive and sold in large bags. The cheapest option was a pack of 4 "Simply Venus" from the women's section. I argued that there could be precious little difference between a man's and a woman's razor, that Gilette doesn't run a different blade grinding factory for each sex, and that I didn't much care about the colour.

I did shave myself, and the razor is surprisingly different to what I'm used to. The two blades are very close together and the gaps before and after them are very narrow. It's seemingly impossible to cut yourself with it, and also impossible to get a close shave without making multiple strokes, but it can be done. The weirdest difference is a little strip of water soluble lubricant after the blades. In combination with my (harsh) shaving soap and scalding hot water it made a gluey slime, but I was intrigued by its lubricity.

The question I answered at the sink this morning was "in an emergency, could you shave with one of these things without all the rest of your shaving kit?" The answer is yes, and I haven't given myself razor burn, but it takes a while. I've already put one in my wash bag for the next time I go away and forget part of my shaving kit, and they'll be perfect when I'm travelling with a minimal luggage allowance.

Richard "Bic Classic Razor" B

Go Faster Stripes

 Lots of sports cars have livery with longitudinal stripes, which we jokingly call "go faster stripes". If I'd been richer and more vain I could have specified a wide white stripe up the middle of the nosecone, bonnet and scuttle of my kit car. On a camper van however similar stripes can make a significant difference to top speed. Commercial vans are limited to 60mph on motorways, camper vans 70mph. If you buy a van and fit it out as a camper you can take it to the vehicles inspectorate and have it re-registered as a camper van rather than a commercial van. One of the criteria that the inspector will assess is whether it looks like a camper van. People have taken to sticking on long stickers with silhouettes of mountains and words like "adventure" as part of getting their van re-registered as a camper. In this case it gives a 10mph increase in top (legal) speed.

Think about how ridiculous the situation is. We can have two (say) Mercedes Sprinters with the same chassis, body, tyres, brakes and suspension. One has some appliances and soft furnishings fitted in the back. The other is delivering some appliances and soft furnishings which are in boxes in the back. One is safe to drive at 70mph, the other only 60mph. Maybe I'm too cynical, but I believe it's to make sure that delivery drivers know their place in society. Tarquin and Jocasta on their way to five nights in St. Ives are allowed to drive faster than the guys bringing groceries in the same van on the same roads in the same direction.

Richard "compulsory high viz" B

Lemon Salmon Linguine

This is my replacement for the lost lemon salmon linguine recipe. It’s all done in a frying pan this time. I’ve cooked it very many times recently while trying to perfect it.

2 salmon fillets

2 oz butter

2oz (50ml) lemon juice

Chopped parsley

Salt & pepper

 

Shallow fry the salmon fillets on medium in a little oil in a heavy pan. Season each face with salt & pepper as you turn them. Cook the prettiest face first and the skin side last.

Set the salmon aside for a short rest.

In the same pan add the butter, when it is half melted add the lemon juice and stir.

Add the parsley and stir.

If it seems appropriate add a couple of spoons of hot pasta water from the linguine you should have just finished boiling.

This lemon sauce is an emulsion, it wont last more than a few seconds in the pan without separating and all the lemon flavour will boil off.

Take the pan off the heat.

Quickly take the skin off the salmon and put it on a bed of linguine (pretty side up), spoon/tip the sauce over the fish.

 

Richard "TV chef" B

Intercom

 I recently went on a track day with a friend of mine. My car has an intercom so you can just about talk to each other (in full face helmets) while you're lapping the circuit. We're both classically English and have politeness and apologising ingrained in our characters. We both issued very rapid and terse apologies over the intercom while we were driving – mid fuck up. My friend missed a gear and forced the car from 3rd to 2nd at about 70 miles an hour instead of 3rd to 4th. As soon as the clutch came up the revs spiked and the rear wheels squirmed. Before the car was even fully under control again I heard "SORRY!" in the intercom.

I entered a hairpin too fast. I didn't spin the car, but the tightest line I could manager took us out over the kerbs and over a section of grass. Before we'd even left the track I had shouted. "TOO FAST. SORRY!"

Richard "My Fault Entirely" B