To Coin a Phrase

 I was messaging my friend about how I didn't know when I was going to be available and the predictive text came up with such a lovely new phrase that I left it in the message. I told him that my plans were "all up in the air fryer".

Richard "I do most of my proof reading after I hit sned" B

Birthday

 At the weekend I went on my celebratory speed awareness course. I mostly enjoyed it. My luxurious breakfast in the hotel restaurant was spoiled by the presence of two coachfulls of dithering geriatric tourists. The queue took about 10 minutes, and on the three occasions I reached the head of it there was no coffee available. When I complained they instantly gave me a full refund which I took to the coffee shop on the other side of the car park.

 I learned a lot on the course, and I took snacks and fancy napkins for all the participants. There was, however, a point at the beginning of the course where nobody wanted to answer the question about why we thought these courses were being offered. After a conciliatory speech by the instructor about how there were no wrong answers, and how the course would only work if we all got involved I put my hand up. I was then spoken to very harshly, It turns out that there WERE wrong answers and that the course WOULDN'T work if people were negative about it. I had suggested that I was offered the course so that I could be charges £100 instead of the statutory £60 fine.

 Richard "300mm repeater sign" B

The High Seas

 At nerd-club I was talking about my theory that I don't fit well into any social class, or rather that I seem to fit badly in to all of them.

Upper class: I naturally use a posh accent and sesquipedalian vocabulary. My surname is old, hard to spell, and all over English history and Shakespeare. I hold physical gold and don't really have any debts.

Middle class: I have a degree, and do a very sedentary job. I live in my own house in the suburbs and I worry about house prices and pensions.

Working class: I go out to work every day to pay my own bills. I swear freely and expressively. I like beer, fast food, and motorsport.

The guy I was talking to homed in on just two items from this description (the gold and the swearing) and decided that I was actually a pirate.

Richard "Arrr" B

Dog and Pony Show

 I'm not one of those houseproud people, so if I get guests without warning I'm usually embarrassed by unhoovered carpets or a large holding pattern of washing up.

 I'm also not one of those carproud people. I wash the car very carefully once each year so that I can put a coat of wax on it, and after that it gets a slapdash wash on the rare occasions that I can be bothered. At the weekend I unexpectedly exhibited it in a car show. The marshal on the gate persuaded me that I should exhibit rather than attend as they needed the support, it was the same price, and I would get a better parking space. The car was embarrassingly dirty. You could clearly see finger marks in the brake dust on the wheels from the last time I changed them. The front numberplate was pretty much illegible from dead insects. The bodywork was covered with a layer of dust, grime and tyre marks. Worse the dashboard still has a bits of masking tape with hand written checklists on them. It was displayed amongst very clean and well presented vehicles.

 I had, that very morning, taken some of the dead insects off the windscreen and headlights in a concession to road safety.

 Richard "chillin' in the car they spent all day waxin'" B

Breaking the Law

 I'm going to turn 50 at the beginning of July, but the intricacies of hiring a racing car for my friends at a convenient circuit means that my birthday celebration won't be until September. As such I need some little event to celebrate the day. I'm glad to say that Devon and Cornwall police have organised something for me. I have been invited to attend a speed awareness course, and judging by the price I guess it must be very luxurious. It's in a hotel with a restaurant so I'll start the day with a lavish breakfast, and I think it would be only decent to travel there in my loud and impractical sports car.

Richard "25 in a 20" B

Had a Fall

 If a prat falls in the forest and no one sees, it is still funny?

I've had two funny looking falls at the weekend. I started indoor climbing last year (low level bouldering where you fall onto a deeply padded floor). The padded floor is carpeted, and while they hoover is twice daily it contains a lot of chalk dust (everybody puts chalk on their hands and a lot gets spilled). I fell from the top of an overhanging problem, my arms were spinning round and round, but I landed flat on my back with a loud thud, a loud "huh" noise as the wind was knocked out of me, and I kicked up a huge cloud of chalk dust. I think it would have looked about like when Wile E Coyote falls in to a canyon.

The very same night I fell over dramatically in my own house. Before I go to bed I check that I have locked the front door by trying to pull it open. If you do that vigorously the bolt will make a satisfying and confidence inspiring clunk inside the frame. On this one occasion the door wasn't locked and I violently flung the door wide open and fell over backwards into my hallway.

I wasn't hurt either time.

Richard "what are you doing down there" B