Tuesday 31 December 2013

Super Hero

In the run up to Christmas my mum received a Christmas card from a very boring sounding super-hero.

In the summer my mum gave me the task to "go into the garden and look for a tortoise". I had no expectation of finding one,  I half-heartedly looked in the flowers and under the bushes and duly didn't find a tortoise. A couple of hours later my mum found the tortoise, she also explained that one of the neighbours keeps a tortoise which had escaped. The neighbour was so pleased to have it back that she bought flowers for my mum.

In the run up to Christmas my mum got a card from The Tortoise Lady. I  assume that she's a super-heroine who has a massive horny carapace and fights crime at a slow ambling walk. Her one weakness is probably her predilection for cucumber.

Richard "we'll finish the service with the prayer that Jesus-Tortoise" B

Friday 27 December 2013


On Saturday night I was in St Andrews church listening to a choir recital. I was also texting frantically like a teenage girl. Two of my bandmates were in the choir and our old drummer was texting me about an unrelated matter. One of my texts finished "... I'm in a church listening to J---- and S---- in their choir. It's good! I came last year and it was pretty average." I'm normally good at spotting unintentional innuendo, but missed it on this occasion. I was reduced to a hopeless giggling mess by two texts which read "At least you came" and "there's nothing worse than not finishing off".

Richard "he offered me some unpaid work as a drum-tech" B

Tuesday 17 December 2013

Lazy and Corrupt

I heard a politician talking on Radio 4 at the weekend, he objected to the characterization that all politicians were lazy and corrupt. He said that there was no other profession where every member could be vilified. He was wrong. Before he'd finished his sentence I was able to sing "I know a song, it's not very long. All coppers are bastards. Second verse, same as the first. All coppers are bastards". Before long we'd also realised that without exception "The referee's a wanker". The politician on the radio was probably just too lazy and corrupt to get his facts straight about vilified professions.

Richard "and computer programmers aren't much better" B

Tuesday 10 December 2013

Yes I Remember it Well

Men are stereotypically accused of forgetting important details of their relationships. In my case it might be justified. On Friday my girlfriend and I shared a taxi to a Christmas party with another couple. The party was at a hotel where I have already been to a Christmas party, and a couple of weddings, and where my old band has played. The other couple had also been to numerous functions there. I asked my girlfriend if she'd been to the hotel before, and she politely reminded me that it was where we had first met a couple of months ago.

Richard "You wore a gown of gold - I was all in blue" B

Tuesday 3 December 2013

Village Hall

This weekend I was helping a Beatles tribute band in a village hall party in St. Middle-of-Nowhere, Cornwall. The first half of the show was wonderful. At half time everybody (including the band) sat down to a ploughmans. The M.C. asked me to turn on his mic, which I did, but he didn't address the guests, he just put it down on one of the tables. Above the hubbub of people eating, drinking and chatting, we could hear an amplified version of a very boring conversation about buying a pair of trousers, and the absolute deafening noise of cutlery.

In the second half of the show the 50p in the electric meter ran out and the band was cast into darkness and silence.

Richard "Sublime to the ridiculous" B