Tuesday, 24 April 2018

Padded and Underwired

Back in the old days of mobile phones with T9 predictive text dictionaries I had a Sony-Ericsson that would let you read the list of word that had been automatically added to the dictionary (from your text messages). It was a terrifying and illuminating insight into my character. Other than place names every single entry was a swear word or the model number of a microphone.

Since then I have developed a disproportionate interest in driving, and bought both a fast car and a smartphone. It might be rather passé to laugh at autocorrect these days, but the predictive text on my phone has a bewildering and inappropriate quirk. The keyboard seems to know all about my interest in cars. It knows words like Snetterton and Caterham. When I say "Castle" it says "Combe", when I say "Mallory" it says "Park", when I say "brake" it says "calliper" when I say "gear" it says "box" (and when the crowd say Bo Selecta!) yet it resolutely refuses to believe that the word "car" might follow "sports". Worse it always guesses "bra" so I have offered to pick my sister up in my sports bra and asked my neighbour to wait a few minutes while I get my sports bra out of my garage.

Richard "D112" B

Wednesday, 18 April 2018

Gordon is a Moron

This weekend I have been driving to and From Newton Abbot on an unnecessary mission of mercy. On Saturday (not for the first time) I found a distressed hedgehog in my garden. It was out in daylight, unresponsive, and not curled into a ball. After talking to the hedgehog hospital in Newton Abbot I agreed to drive it up there and I decided that its name was Gordon.



My innuendo-meter went off the scale when I arrived at the hedgehog hospital. The receptionist said "Let's have a look at it then… My God it's enormous!" Gordon is a 1.2kg monster and there was some concern that I had actually disturbed a pregnant female.

On Sunday I got the news that I was waiting for (but sadly not delivered in a Brian Blessed voice). GORDON'S ALIVE! He is male, and is uninjured. He'd been fighting and his genitals were swollen so he'd also been fucking - excessively. When I discovered him he was simply exhausted. He'd shagged himself half to death, he treated the hospital as a trip to a rejuvenating day-spa and was furious about being put back into a box and driven back to Plymouth. I re-released him in my garden around dusk and didn't get a single word of thanks.

Richard "Even the vermin had a better Friday night than I did" B

Monday, 16 April 2018

Old Friend

For a brief period as a schoolchild I had a desirable and high-status friend from another school. He had a Nintendo Entertainment System and an attractive older sister but crucially he also had a full size high quality pool table in his bedroom. His parents were strict and taciturn. We barely saw them and never spoke to them although we often heard his mother shouting – generally the same four words.

If we were too noisy, or if his younger brother went downstairs complaining of ill-treatment then his mother would shout "CHRIS. FRIENDS GO HOME." We would immediately be ushered silently from the house - not allowed to return until the next day. If our infraction was particularly grave – maybe his brother was in tears or we had ignored our expulsion – then his mother would shout "CHRIS. FRIENDS GO HOME FOR A WEEK."

The last time I met him we had been particularly noisy and troublesome and his mother shouted "CHRIS. FRIENDS GO HOME FOR GOOD"

Richard "A=Jump, B=Rush" B

Tuesday, 3 April 2018

Quiz

A surprising number of nouns have had their ownership taken by a proper name. For example there are apples, and then there is Adam's Apple. These are the ones that I could think of. Can you match them up?


NamesNouns
AbigailAlgorithm
ArchimedesBelt
AvogadroBobby
Buffon/CleopatraBody
ChestertonBroom
DamoclesCat
DekkerChoice
DrakeComet
DuffConstant
EratosthenesCradle
EulerDavid
FaradayDemon
FermiDevice
FrankensteinDisease
Grey FriarDog
HalleyEpitaph (of)
HerculesEquation
HobsonFence
HubbertGhost
John BrownLaw
KundtLine
Lord ClydeMonster
Lord KelvinNeedle
Lou GehrigNumber
MarleyParadox
MaxwellParty
MichelangeloPeak
MurphyPillars (of)
NewtonPony
OccamPrinciple
OrionRazor
PascalRule
PavlovShip (of)
PythagorasShovel
RussellSieve (of)
SchrodingerSword (of)
ShanksTeapot
SimpsonTheorem
StevinusThunderstorm
Theseus(Dust) Tube
TriggerWager

Interestingly the broom and the ship refer to exactly the same idea.

Richard "I was never invited to Maxwell's Party" B

Monday, 26 March 2018

Roadie

Last weekend I drove one of my friends to and from a gig and I carried and set up all his gear. He can barely walk and can't drive or carry anything since he had an operation to cure a nasty case of housemaid's knee (presumably caused by the sheer amount of time he's spent kneeling down sucking cocks and nothing to do with the time that I ran the corner of a heavy flightcase into his knee).

I was returning the favour that I was done in the 90s when I was discharged from hospital following an even more painful and personal operation. However on that occasion my friends chose to drive me home over nearly every speedbump in Plymouth and they negotiated them violently to make me squirm. Yes I still hold a grudge these more than 20 years later.

Richard "a gentleman puts down a pillow" B

Wednesday, 21 March 2018

Dangerous Dog

My window cleaner likes my beard. He called round at the weekend to get paid and it's the first time I've seen him since I haven't been able to shave. The conversation quickly moved from my beard to my finger injury and it turns out that he is also nursing a nasty injury to his middle finger. His was even more cruel and unlikely than mine. He was bitten by a dog which was locked inside one of his customer's houses while he himself was outside the house. The window cleaner pushed a bill through the letterbox and was bitten (on the tiny portion of finger that protruded inside the letterbox) by a bad tempered terrier that was lying in wait.

Richard "jaws and letterboxes of outragous fortune" B