Days of Future Past

 A lot of life advice (and I think perhaps religion) seems to boil down to prioritising the future over the present. Do what you can today to make tomorrow better. Work hard and strive for a better future. Make sacrifices in this world to get access to eternal bliss in the afterlife.

I'm really bad at doing that. When I think about tomorrow's Richard I think "that lazy so-and-so can do his own washing up".

I've been painting the outside of my house. One of the main things with painting is to do the preparation well. When I started the most recent section I said to myself that I must go carefully and diligently as I brush off the dirt and debris, because I hadn't been doing it well enough. I had previously found myself with a loaded paintbrush in my hand looking at a spider web that had clearly not been brushed off the wall. This time, even though I thought I had done an excellent job of brushing everything down, I found myself, with a loaded paintbrush in my hand, looking at an entire window's width of old spider webs full of dead leaves and litter.

Yesterday's Richard is lazy and slapdash and needs to step up his game.

Richard "And I Trimmed the Wisteria" B

E10

 Back in my day petrol was better and cheaper. Unfortunately innumerate environmentalists and corrupt corn farmers have persuaded our lawmakers to insist that the distilleries debase it with ethanol. The net effect of this is more atmospheric CO2 production (fertilizers, diesel for the tractors, coal for the electricity for the distillation, road fuel for transportation). More concerning for me is that it rots the rubber in our old cars' fuel lines, the brass in the fuel pressure regulators of our fuel injected motorbikes, and the carburettor diaphragms in our chainsaws and lawnmowers.

There are however a couple of things we can do to keep our chainsaws happy. Pure ethanol is soluble in petrol, but it's much more soluble in water. If you mix up say 700ml of E10 petrol with 300ml of water and a few drops of food colouring the ethanol will dissolve in the water, but the water is insoluble in the petrol and you'll get two fractions, 370-ish of coloured water and 630ish of actual petrol. After it's settled you can decant the petrol or tap off the water. Don't drink either fraction.

Believe it or not there is a community of amateur petrol quality inspectors who do this test and also try to determine the actual RON numbers.

I don't know how long it'll stay this way, but Tesco Momentum 99 keeps coming up as genuinely having a RON of 99, and containing absolutely no ethanol. That's what my chainsaw drinks.

Richard "We're going to need a bigger separatory funnel" B

Pitch Meeting

 A few weeks ago I told you about a fictional black knight driving a Toyota Yaris with half a dozen long decking boards on the roof rack, but sadly I didn't know anything more about him.

A couple of text messages revealed (inspired) a lot of information.

My Brother texted me the two words "Black Knight" with no context. I didn't know if he was talking about the Deep Purple song, the cocktail, or my fictional character. A few hours later a friend texted me to tell me that her phone had combined two diary events and she'd got the reminder "Peony and Rat Trap".

Peony and Rat Trap are clearly a puppet double act on children's TV. Like Zig and Zag for the 2020s. I'm sure that they'll introduce episodes a long-running cartoon series. Like Roland Rat introduced Transformers every week, or Sarah Green with Defenders of the Earth, or Philip Schofield and Gordon the Gopher with Cities of Gold. I don't see any children's TV, but I imagine that the "just innocent men" dog introduces a cartoon series too. 

So Peony and Rat Trap are going to introduce the cartoon series "Black Knight". We know it's about a black knight who drives a Toyota Yaris with half a dozen decking boards on the roof rack. We also know the theme tune "Black Knight" by Deep Purple and we know it'll finish on the line "Black Knight is a long way from home". I expect that it'll be an anthology series with different locations and characters each week, tied together by the Black Knight on his long journey home. In 22 minutes plus commercials they'll speedrun the hero's journey with a new character each week. I imagine that the Yaris and the planks will be recurring plot devices. Either building temporary structures, bridges, and diving boards, or using them to joust non-threatening foes (puncture a bouncy castle, ring a bell loudly, frighten bats out of a tunnel etc.)

Moreover we know that Black Knight has a signature drink. On a kids cartoon it's unlikely to be a cocktail made with Irish stout and over-proof Bermuda rum. It would probably be blackcurrant juice, or depend on the sponsorship deal "Ribena".

As it's a cartoon aimed at children I see no need for an explanation of why he's wearing a suit of armour or why he's a long way from home.

Richard "The Littlest Hobo" B

Burden of Dreams

 I've been climbing as a hobby for nearly three years. Low altitude indoor free-soloing (or bouldering as it's actually called) I just did my hardest climb recently and it involved an obscure technique.

There are certain things that we believe exist, but that we never actually see with our own eyes: the moon landings, kingfishers, doggers.

There's a climbing technique called Figure Four and it's so obscure that you never see it used. It's an intermediate technique that really strong climbers never need. Our lord and saviour Magnus Midtbo explained that once you can do a one armed pull up you never need to use it again. It's used when there's nothing to put your feet on, when you're hanging on one hand, and when you need to reach upward with your other hand. You hook your left knee over your right elbow (or vice versa) and you can use your core and leg muscles to get a little bit of extra height. A strong climber would "campus" to the next hold but I haven't got the strength to support my weight on one hand with a bent elbow.

I've been working on one particular climb for ages after I was told "it's pretty soft for a red". I later found out that the person who told me that is a professional swimmer, spends loads of time lifting weights, and can campus the first move. I could only solve it by using the Figure Four which I've never used before, and which has probably never been used before at my climbing wall.

Here I am doing it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUxo2IVS_5E

Richard "heel hook" B

Paint the Fence Paint the Fence

 I had a bewildering evening yesterday.

I had taken the day off work in the hopes of painting the outside of my friend's house. It was raining in the morning so instead I went shopping and had planned to buy myself a luxurious lunch. My friend was seemingly studying synoptic charts, rainfall radar and meteorological apps. He messaged me midmorning to tell me that it would be dry in the afternoon and that we started painting at noon.

That timing meant that I didn't get any lunch. The ladder is heavy, the sun was hot and we worked at a fast pace. By the time we had painted the front and back of his house I was tired and hungry and I was given a Tom Collins (double gin, lemon, syrup soda) and sat in the sun. The rest of the evening was confusing. I think I had a bit of sunstroke, low blood sugar, and I was quite drunk.

Richard "sun hat" B