Not a Writer

 I very much like it when a story writes itself. I've played collaborative board games where a series of dice rolls and individual decisions turns into an engrossing story. I set myself a mission in Kerbal Space Program and a series of unfortunate events meant that the best I could do was to use the spacecraft I had with me to jury rig a lander and an orbital relay station. It was fascinating. Neil Gaiman talked about writing Stardust: he said that he already had the idea for the village, but when he saw a shooting star over the desert and realised that it was really just a hot lump of rock, that the story just wrote itself.

I recently came up with a fictional character reflexively.

I borrowed a long ladder and I took it home on the roof rack of my (very little) Fiat Panda. One of my friends said it looked like I was going jousting. Without thinking I said that a black knight in a Toyota Yaris with half a dozen decking boards on the roof had challenged me. I've been thinking about the fictional black knight a lot over the last few days and I'd really like to know more about him.

Richard "Emergent Narrative" B

Noga Arm

 I recently came into some money, so I bought a present for my lathe. It's a professional quality articulated arm to hold a dial indicator. It's quite wonderful in that it has a magnetic base that you can turn on and off, and all the articulations are tightened up with a single knob.

It's such a pleasing piece of equipment that I didn't want to leave it in the cabinet under the lathe. Its magnet has now been attached to the bottom of a cake tin, and it holds pride of place in my kitchen as a recipe holder.

I managed to cut down the clothes peg to fit the 1/4" dovetail part of the holder, and I'm unduly proud of that as the clamp only has about 12 thou of movement between fully open and fully closed.

Richard "The Wrong Tool For the Job" B

My Perfect Colleague

♫I've got a cousin called Kevin. He's sure to go to heaven♫

Actually I've got a colleague who recently let me stay at his house.

Both him and his wife are the sort of garish over-achievers whom it's best not to compare oneself to. They were generous, gracious hosts, despite the fact that I had invited myself. I turned up wet and dirty without any clean clothes. They laundered a couple of garments for me and didn't bat an eye at me joining them for dinner wearing gardening trousers.

They feed and rehabilitate local wildlife, and only use the most humane methods to control the pheasants (they get chased away personally)

♫He's got a fur lined sheepskin jacket. My ma said they cost a packet♫

He's actually got a beautiful cottage with a large garden. It's being tastefully extended and refurbished. They seemingly have no end of energy, enthusiasm, taste and skill.

♫Oh, my perfect cousin. What I like to do he doesn't♫

They barely drink, but despite that they keep an excellent cellar. They're early to bed and early to rise and they'll have a sit-down cooked breakfast on a week day.

♫He's got a degree in economics. Maths, physics and bionics♫

Actually both him and his wife were senior staff at a university, and he enjoyed teaching. They both have pilot's licences and she's a yoga instructor. They're excellent cooks, brewers, bakers, raconteurs and who knows what else.

♫He always beat me at Subbuteo cause he flicked to kick and I didn't know♫

He has a huge collection of board games and hosts regular board game evening with his friends.

♫His mother bought him a synthesiser. Got the Human League into advise her♫

Actually he makes interesting electronic projects, metalwork projects, software projects, and home improvements with his apparently copious time and energy.

In the same way that I hope Tim Peake turns out to be a child molester, I feel better about myself imagining that they keep some shameful terrifying secret.

Richard "Outdated Musical Reference" B