Rico

My sister knows their manager so I was on the guest list to see 'Jools Holland and his Rhythm and Blues Orchestra' on Saturday night. Among the musicians was Rico Rodriguez - reggae and ska legend - best trombone player (trombonist? tromboner? trombonologist?) in the world and a hero of mine.

Coincidentally I'm reading a book about 'The Specials' written by their bass player, he talks about when Rico started playing with them, the reggae crowd accorded him slightly more respect and adoration than if he'd been the second coming. He was also a massive marijuana smoker, and mainly a very laid back character.

On Saturday night after the Jools Holland show we went to their hotel to say hello to the manager. Outside the hotel I could smell grass being smoked, and when we got inside there was Rico, checking in and signing for his room key. I wanted to say "YoureMyHeroILoveEveryNoteThatYouveEveryPlayedThatSoloOnTheLongVersionOfGhostTownIsTheBestThingIveEverHeardWillYouAutographEveryThingThatIOwn" but restrained myself slightly and started to say "Good show tonight". He stopped me after less than a syllable and said "Dankyou sooo mush, you doo kaind." and that was very clearly the end of the conversation. I suppose he's had over thirty years to learn to deal with gushing sycophantic idiots.

My brother tells me that a couple of years ago he was going to another Jools Holland show and ended up in the same cab as Rico. My brother asked him about touring with 'The Specials' and all he said was "Dey wer'.... laively boys."

Richard "starstruck" B

Early night

I once saw an episode of Futurama where Fry had to write and produce a season finale for Ally McBeal to save the world. The joke that particularly made me laugh was when they ran out of script after about a minute. Fry said "It took half an hour to write, I thought it would take half an hour to read out."

At the weekend I was helping out a young and inexperienced band and virtually the same thing happened. They had miraculously got themselves a paying show in a pub. They were playing from 9 'til 11 and were allowed a 20 minute break - a very easy show and a nice early night. They came off stage half an hour after they'd started:
"How long have we been playing for?"
"About 30 minutes, just under"
"Shit you're joking"
"No, look <showing wrist watch>"
"Shit. I thought we'd been up there at least an hour. It took much longer than that in rehearsals"

They didn't have anywhere near enough material and it was all slightly embarrassing. However I has home and the van was unloaded before midnight which was abject luxury.

Richard "send on the Patagonians" B

Don't Read This

This blog post only contains 2 deeply offensive phrases. Stop reading now or you're going to be offended.

"It wasn't rape, your honour, it was a struggle-cuddle."

"Diversity in the workplace means not calling a spade a spade."

Richard "pc" B

Time to kill

A couple of weekends ago RichI and I had a couple of hours to kill and we were chatting. I knew that he used to be involved in bands, and that he used to play bass pretty well, I didn't realize just how famous and how homosexual he used to be:

RichI: The archbishop of Truro asked me to turn my bass down once.
RJB: What were you playing?
RichI: The Bass.
RJB: No, where were you playing?
RichI: Truro Cathedral.
Young Jamie: I bet that sounded awesome.
RichI: <sarcastic>Yes the acoustics were like a fucking... Well... Um... cathedral.
RJB:  <exasperated>Yes, but in what group you were you playing, why were you there?
RichI: That thing I used to be in where we did YMCA.
RJB: You were one of the Village People?
RichI: Yes, I was the bent copper[1].

[Note 1]RichI wasn't in the Village People, he was part of a church sponsored youth orchestra which was supposed to teach both muscicianship and the Christian message[2].

[Note 2] It failed.
   
Richard "no sleep til Christmas" B

Paradise Misplaced

A couple of authors and songwriters that I admire often make references to Paradise Lost, so I thought that I should read it. Knowing that I wouldn't understand it by myself, I looked for an annotated version, and stumbled across one by Isaac Asimov, all round genius and one of my favourite science fiction authors. It's a good job that I don't have Amazon one-click ordering because only one edition was printed, they're rare, and one in pristine condition costs about £4000.

I jokingly asked my mum to borrow one from the library. Unsurprisingly Plymstock public library didn't have one in stock, but they put out an "Inter-Library Loan Request". Believe it or not, the British Library sent their copy down for me! It came with a fantastic note saying that this is a valuable book, and forms part of the UK's national document collection, and they'd quite like to have it back on time and in good condition.

I don't think I could have understood Paradise Lost by myself, but with Asimov explaining it, and ripping apart the religious doctrine and ingrained sexism it was fantastic. With apologies to John Milton and biblical scholars, this is the important bit, and it's just an exercise in passing the buck.

God: What are you doing wearing clothes? You've eaten the fruit haven't you? The one thing I told you not to do.
Adam: Eve had already eaten some and didn't die. She was worried about how you'd punish her, and wanted me to keep her company, so I did eat it, but I ate it out of love and solidarity.
God: Perfectly understandable, good for you, you're still cursed though. Eve, what the fuck were you playing at?
Eve: The serpent tricked me into it, he said he'd eaten it.
God: You're cursed. Serpent, what have you got to say for yourself?
Serpent: Don't look at me, I haven't even got the power of speech to tempt Eve with, I was possessed by the devil at the time.
God: That's no excuse, I'm confiscating your legs. Satan, did you tempt Eve into eating the fruit?
Satan: Too right I did, it was a legitimate protest. Anything to show how fallible you are. We have serious concerns about your leadership. You're obsessed with this vanity project in Eden, you've promoted your son above all the more qualified applicants, and you have no concept of forward planning. Worse than that, rather than discuss these things with us you used force of arms to condemn us to a life of misery and pain in Hell. If you were really all knowing you'd have seen how easily I could tempt Eve into betraying you.
God: I'm God, sing my praises or fuck off.

Richard "shredding and fret-tapping for people in dinner suits and ball gowns" B

Oven Door

I'm friendly with one of the little girls who lives on my estate, partly because she has a very beautiful, and as far as I know single, mother. I once rescued a shoe for the little girl and some months ago, at the little girls urging, I asked the mum on a date, she laughed at me and turned me down. Since then the mum has suffered a very serious loss of peripheral vision, she will in fact walk straight past me on the pavement without even noticing me, yet miraculously she can still drive a car.

At the weekend she knocked at my door and asked whether I would go over to her house and help her with something. I assumed she wanted me to help her try on lingerie, but in fact there was a problem with the hinges of her oven door. I was able to fix the oven, she was very friendly and thanked me profusely, I even think she might be able to see me again.

I can only imagine the gnashing of hands and wringing of teeth that she went through before she asked for my help. I'd like to think that as I write this, she's publishing an allegorical blog post where she's Odysseus, Scylla's a broken oven, and Charybdis is the weirdo who lives accross the road.

Richard "I can play the guitar" B