Tuesday 17 June 2014


This time last year my (rather excellent) rock band played its last show. We didn't know at the time that it would be our last gig, we played, for free, at a primary school summer fair. Playing and rehearsing in a rock band is quite a sweary and adult environment, I was very poor at modifying my language to suit being constantly surrounded by small children.

When I should have said "whoops" it came out as "shit" or "fuck"; "my word" became "fuck me". When I was talking to one of the children who performed (and her mum) I said  "you've got some bollocks" when I should have said "you've got some nerve". I said "pile of wank" to mean "of inferior quality" and "it's in the bag of sex toys" meaning "In the bag with the tambourine and maracas".

I was ashamed every single time I swore, but I take some solace in our girl singer. She's a mum, worked in a school, and was used to dealing with children. Unusually for us we were playing outside and the microphones had foam windshields. In front of a group of primary school children, and her own son she said "What the hell's happened to my mic? It's grown an afro! It's like I'm singing into a 1970's fanny".

Richard "Contains strong language and moderate sexual references" B

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