Tuesday 7 October 2014


The phrase "make yourself at home" sounds encouraging, but it doesn’t have enough information in it.

The tea is in the cupboard above the kettle. Normal teabags are in the blue caddy, homosexualherbal teabags are in the red caddy.

The coffee is in the fridge, there's an aeropress and a small cafetière in the cupboard next to the fridge.

To light the gas turn a knob to the 3 o'clock position and then push the knob to run the igniter. 12 o'clock is the lowest flame, 3 o'clock is the highest.

Left hand knob two clicks clockwise. Right hand knob controls the temperature. The middle control doesn't do anything, it's a mechanical process timer which rings a little bell.

Left hand knob one click anticlockwise. Right hand knob fully clockwise.

The control is black and silver and says Toshiba. Press the "source" button to select what it displays. HDMI1 is the dvd player.

The control is black all over and says Toshiba on it. Feature films are on the shelves in the hallway. Comedies and series's in the seagrass chest on the landing.

The control is grey and says Yamaha. It only works from about three feet away. No it doesn't need new batteries, I've tried that. The top row of black buttons selects CD, ipod or radio.

The key to the patio door is in the left hand drawer of the drinks cabinet. Key one full turn clockwise, then lift the black lever, then slide the door.

Help yourself but please don't take the piss with long international calls.

The wifi network is called __________ the password is ___________

Either press "browse as guest" or "add user" and use the email address and password for your google account. It'll download your profile picture and all your favourites.

Press "boost" on the Drayton control in the kitchen by the blackboard. The temperature control is in the sitting room next to the mirror.

Hot Water
There is hot water all day but it takes a few minutes to run though. Turn on a hot tap and wait.

The inner control sets the temperature, it shouldn't need to be moved far. The outer control starts and stops the flow. There is a blue "spanner" hanging up if you can't turn the control with your hands. Put the curtain inside the bath, turn on the flow, wait a minute for the water to run hot, then step in.

Towels/linen/loo roll
In the cupboard on the landing

Shops/pub/cache machine
Turn left out of the front door. Left onto Redacted Close. Past the garages onto Redacted Park Road and turn right towards the roundabout. The pub is by the roundabout, the shops are next to the pub.

On Mondays you might be disturbed by a little old lady hoovering and polishing. She has her own key. She's very friendly.

Richard “Holiday Inn” B


  1. You are really showing your age, or generation, by the order you have listed these. Who gives a crap about tea? the only essential item is the WIFI!


    1. Speaking as the (at least immediate) prospective houseguest, I can tell you that I prioritize tea over almost everything, and just about dead even with the WiFi. ;)