Tuesday 11 August 2015

Valley of the shadow of death

file under: Embarrassing social situations

My mum asked me if I had made financial arrangements for my funeral (like my sister has). I haven't made explicit arrangements, but when I took out a mortgage I was obliged to buy life insurance. When I'm dead there’ll be £100,000 sculling around in my estate so the executor should easily be able to afford to bury or cremate me.

"But that'll only pay out if you die." Said my mum – quite rightly. I politely explained that I had no intention of having an expensive funeral while I was still alive.

One weekend (back when I lived with a woman) her parents came to visit and we went to a restaurant to celebrate her mother's birthday. I asked whether I should put on a suit and discovered that her dad doesn't like suits, and only owns one which he calls his "funeral suit".  Thinking that I was being flattering and charming I said that he was rather young to have that picked out already. It turns out it was the suit that he wears to OTHER PEOPLE’s funerals.

Richard "The deceased was a keen welder – we'd like to put his favourite oxygen and acetylene cylinders in the casket for the cremation." B

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