Wednesday 16 September 2015


file under: Embarrassing Social Situations

Despite having a physique akin to a stick insect I think I need to lose a little bit of weight. I ordered a pair of leather trousers for motorcycling and although they were fine in the leg and the waist, they were too tight in the seat. I sent them back and the company sent me their most suitable replacement pair which I could sit in comfortably, but which are now loose around the waist. They might as well have sent me an affidavit saying "you sir, have a fat arse, and we don't make a pair of trousers to accommodate it".

More recently I went zip wiring. As well as strapped them unsympathetically into a plum-crushing safety harness they weigh each of their guests and shout the numbers for all to hear. My weight has been stable for the past 20 years, but I’m now suddenly 4kg heavier.

I have removed cream cakes from my regular Wednesday night entertainments schedule, but other than that I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Regular exercise? Drink less? They don’t sound very realistic.

Richard "Middle Aged Low Calorie Spread" B

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